Hi I'm a New GF of a Gorgeous Turk!

Oh crikey!

I did the same. I'm sorry, Katrinagem - for some reason I keep confusing you with Amandar - perhaps both of you could repost your original thread? I think where I reposted it for one of you it's caused some confusion. and for some reason I thought you'd met your Turkish boyfriend on Facebook.

I'm sorry about that.

I'll try and sort it out.

Strawbs

Judith,

Just reading through your last post I realise that Ertie is very comfortable with me, indeed. There's no pretensions with him, and he certainly never puts on an act to try and lull me into a false sense of romance. He's not like these Turkish Don Juans you hear about who consantly tell you that the stars are dancing in your eyes and that their hearts are about to burst with happiness at just holding your hand.

Oh no. Ertie's much more down to earth than that. He'll happily fall asleep in front of the television with his laptop balanced on his lap (his feet stretched out on the pouffe) watching both the Sports Channel on TV and a Turkish film on his laptop at the same time. He'll then suddenly wake up at 1am (probably wondering where he is - all dazed) and then he'll stumble upstairs to bed, richochet noisily off bedroom door, then sit on the edge of the bed as he first pulls his socks off, has a good sniff to see whether they're wearable for the next day (or should go into the invisible washing basket that sits directly in front of the washing machine) and if they're not too whiffy he must think to himself : "I'll just freshen them up a little by flapping them around a bit. There done!"

Then he'll stand and undress, then to do a big bouncy dive onto the bed; and when he realises I'm FAST asleep he'll put his very heavy, hot leg and arm across me, and spend the rest of the night making a noise like an oncoming train. One night (I swear to God it's true) I suddenly woke up on the edge of the bed (he takes all the room) with his mouth covering my ear like some kind of suction plunger; the noise was tremendous and for a split second I thought I was about to go insane.

For some reason he thinks my side of the bed is his side, and I've even got out of bed in the middle of the night and got into his side - but then he follows me over onto there! I don't know if this is a Turkish thing, but I think Katrinagem should have a good few sleepovers with her Turk before deciding what she wants to do about her future.

Strawbs

Strawbs you are mean to Ertie lots of men snore,I know you love him snorer or not

Maria

I agree Strawbs. I think a lot of this "he makes me feel so special, just like a princess blah blah blah" stuff comes from the woman herself and often has very little at all to do with what the man actually does. They convince themselves that it's him who makes them feel like that when in fact it comes from within.

A lot of women with emotional issues seem to have the innate ability to feel like that. It's like some sort of genetic predisposition. I've also noticed how women like this seem to have a fatal attraction to manipulative men. They're so desperate to be be loved and wanted and to feel secure that it seems that any form of positive attention from a man sends them into ecstasy.

Maria wrote:Strawbs you are mean to Ertie lots of men snore,I know you love him snorer or not

Maria

Of course I love him

He can't help snoring, and it's nice that he wants to cuddle me all night long.

I feel rotten now......

Strawbs

Guveclover wrote:I agree Strawbs. I think a lot of this "he makes me feel so special, just like a princess blah blah blah" stuff comes from the woman herself and often has very little at all to do with what the man actually does. They convince themselves that it's him who makes them feel like that when in fact it comes from within.

A lot of women with emotional issues seem to have the innate ability to feel like that. It's like some sort of genetic predisposition. I've also noticed how women like this seem to have a fatal attraction to manipulative men. They're so desperate to be be loved and wanted and to feel secure that it seems that any form of positive attention from a man sends them into ecstasy.

Oh, I couldn't agree more, Judith! These women feel special and loved - even if they haven't clapped eyes on him in the flesh! And of course it's all in their own heads how wonderful he is, it has to be when they hardly ever see him! They live out their own personal Mills & Boon in their heads, and what makes it so perfect for them is that they can turn him into their ideal man - because he's basically a figment of their imagination. They know his name and where he's from, and they build their dream around that.

When they go to bed at night they slip into a daydream of how romantic it will be when they next see him or speak to him on Chat, but it's all going on in their bonces. I think they must come down to earth with a big, fat bump when (or if) they do finally get together properly. NO man is romantic 24/7. OK, you may have passionate sex in the beginning, and if you both really fancy each other like crazy and feelings start to develop, then yes, you do have romantic times laying in each other's arms and all that stuff...receiving huge bouquets of beautiful flowers with lovely words attached....holding hands as you sit next to each other when you're out....all those things are romantic - but you don't do them day in and day out after you've been together for a good few years.

Besides, after a few years together the passion isn't so intense. Your love for each other deepens, but the passion and romance goes onto a more normal level. That happens to everyone - if it didn't you'd see 80-year-olds walking around with butterflies in their tummy unable to eat because they're lovesick! They'd be acting like lovestruck, giggly teenagers with eyes only for each other. How many 80-year-old grandparents do you see with their arms wrapped around each other gazing into each other's eyes, totally oblivious to everyone else?!!!

When these Turkish men finally come over here, all those ridiculous texts of undying love soon stop! Of course they do. I actually think a lot of women are deeply disappointed when they have to let go of the man inside their head and live with the reality of a lazy, disinterested, unromantic Turk who's only interested in rushing off to the kebab shop to see his new mates!

Strawbs

All true...but it doesnt help when you get twisted bananas like sirin telling them to follow there hearts....ffs....

Aaaaaargh! I spent twenty minutes typing out a very long response and it shot off - gone! I'll come back later and do it again, this is getting crazy.

Hi Katrinagem

I know the feeling, it is so frustrating when that happens, its happened to me a couple of times, so now before I post I always copy what I have wrote just in case it vanishes into cyber space.

Look forward to your new post.

Ruby

Hi! Thanks Ruby for the heads up, I'll remember to do that from now on. What's the definition of frustration? Watching 500 words vanish into cyberspace! Aaargh - never again!

Right, let's start again. First off thanks to everyone for the advice, but what do I have to say to get an answer to my question? More frustration! At least you've understood my story and stopped confusing me with your other member, so we're getting there. Slowly at least.

I love this man of mine, I can't say it simpler than that. So no amount of telling me I'm crazy to love him is going to stop my feelings for him deepening. I know what he feels for me too, just like you all did when you met your loves. Not one of you has been able to tell me the difference between me and you? Why is my relationship doomed (according to you) but your relationships weren't? Why? Tell me why? Cos I sure as hell do not understand!

Is it so difficult to offer me advice on how to keep his interest while we're apart? You must have some tricks up your sleeves, I'm convinced of that. You know how hard it is when you're separated and the distance rips me apart sometimes, I ache to hold him and touch him, it seems so unfair! Can you imagine how heartbroken I'd be if due to the miles separating us he drifted away from me into the arms of some floozy? How would you feel had that happened to you?

Please, all I'm asking you for is some advice! How do I keep him from straying?

Right Katrinagem, let's try to make this simple. You and I are different because:

1. You are desperate and I never was. Yes, I was desperate to see my partner when I was separated from him, and he was desperate to see me too but I was never desperate with worry that he would "drift into the arms of a floosy". He never even made it cross my mind that he was remotely interested in anyone else. We both made one another feel that we were the centre of our respective universes so I never felt the need to send myself crazy with worry trying to think of ways to "keep him interested". When you are in an all-consuming relationship, you just know that your feelings are being recipcrocated - that's what makes you feel secure. It's about trust too.

2. You seem deeply insecure in your relationship. I never felt like that. I can tell you are insecure because you are desperate with worry that he will "drift into the arms of a floosy", and you are already anticipating the heartbreak that would cause you. If this man is making you feel as special and as cherished as you claim he is, why are you insecure rather than secure in his love?

I have no tips to offer you beyond making sure you keep in very regular contact - 'phone calls, loooong letters and photos were all we had available to us. You might think, "is that all?" but that's all we needed to make our relationship work.

I can totally identify with the feeling of missing your partner dreadfully and it making you feel truly awful but I'm sorry, I can't identify with anything else you're feeling.

katrinagem wrote:Hi! Thanks Ruby for the heads up, I'll remember to do that from now on. What's the definition of frustration? Watching 500 words vanish into cyberspace! Aaargh - never again!

Right, let's start again. First off thanks to everyone for the advice, but what do I have to say to get an answer to my question? More frustration! At least you've understood my story and stopped confusing me with your other member, so we're getting there. Slowly at least.

I love this man of mine, I can't say it simpler than that. So no amount of telling me I'm crazy to love him is going to stop my feelings for him deepening. I know what he feels for me too, just like you all did when you met your loves. Not one of you has been able to tell me the difference between me and you? Why is my relationship doomed (according to you) but your relationships weren't? Why? Tell me why? Cos I sure as hell do not understand!

Is it so difficult to offer me advice on how to keep his interest while we're apart? You must have some tricks up your sleeves, I'm convinced of that. You know how hard it is when you're separated and the distance rips me apart sometimes, I ache to hold him and touch him, it seems so unfair! Can you imagine how heartbroken I'd be if due to the miles separating us he drifted away from me into the arms of some floozy? How would you feel had that happened to you?

Please, all I'm asking you for is some advice! How do I keep him from straying?

Hi Katrinagem,

I'm sure you do feel that you love this man, but from what you've told us previously you haven't spent that long with him. I'm sorry, but I don't accept or believe that true love can develop in such a short space of time. Infatutaion, lust, desire - yes - that can all be very heady and consuming - but as quickly as it develops it fades, too - especially when you're apart. I think you're idealising this man and most of your feelings for him are inside your own head. If you truly LOVED him, and believed he loved you, as Judith rightly says, you wouldn't even consider the prospect he might stray - you would know he wouldn't.

I'm not sure if I said your relationship with this man is doomed, but going by the statistics (which are abysmally low) most relationships of this kind do fail eventually - and with your anxiety and neediness as it is right now - I don't see it as a healthy relationship.

You seem to worry incessantly about him being 'stolen' by some floosy - but if you really thought he loved you - that wouldn't even enter your mind. When you love someone - it doesn't matter how far apart you are - that love binds you together - and nothing in the world can break it. Certainly not a floosy!

As for you asking why our relationships are different to yours - there isn't a straightforward answer to that. But there are some things I can tell you about my relationship (in particular the start of it) that differs to yours in many ways. Yes, Ertie is Turkish and I met him in Turkey. When I first met him I was very attracted to him and enjoyed his company, but I didn't become all-consumed with him - our relationship only developed because we spent so much time together. I was fortunate that I could do that, I know that, but I can't imagine pining for him in those early days like you are now. And when at first we did spend some time apart (albeit not much) we did keep in regular contact by phone etc - but I still continued with my life at home. I went out with my friends - and yes - I did like his text messages etc when I was out - but I didn't stop living, simply because we were apart. For all I knew, he could have been a loverat (though I felt he wasn't - and I was proved right) but at the time I didn't know for sure if he was one or not. How I dealt with those very early days was, I had a kind of 'que sera sera' attitude - and if he was going to go off with someone else - there wasn't a thing I could do about it while I was in London and he was in Turkey!

You need to learn how to 'let go' a little bit. If he wants you as much as you want him - he will wait for you. It's true that his head could be turned and he could be tempted by another woman - but that's the choice you've made by entering a relationship with someone who lives thousands of miles away from you. Long distance relationships are never easy - there's always obstacles and compromises that need to be overcome, but at this stage of your relationship I wouldn't even look that far ahead. Enjoy what you have - even though you're apart - and meanwhile, carry on living your life until you go over there and see him again.

There's absolutely nothing else you can do, but wait to see how time tells. And it will.

Strawbs

K...you are like a leech to this guy....clinging on like a sucker....youd turn anybody off acting like a puppy dog....go get some pride!....

Hi Katrinagem

There is nothing really that I can add to the advice you have already been given. Everyone is different and only you know your man best, I get the feeling you already have doubts about trusting him, otherwise you would not be asking the question about preventing him from straying.

He may stray now in the early stages of your relationship, or in 25 years time or he may never stray. Not one of us can predict the actions of another person, and lets face it, as you are already having difficulty in weighing up this man yourself, I fail to see how anyone can say how your relationship will pan out or how we can offer advice on whether or not he will stray.

All you can do is stay in regular contact and see if he is as eager to please you as your appear to want to please him. If he really loves you, he will not stray and will reassure you. Why dont you discuss this with him and see what his reaction is?

The advice we have given you may not be what you want to hear, but at least you have got the truth. You should enjoy the best of both worlds as Strawbs has already said and try not to be so intense with this guy. You need to protect yourself.

Ruby