Hi I'm a New GF of a Gorgeous Turk!

Hi Katrinagem,

I'm a little confused by your post - it isn't consistent with your original post. In your first post you said you suffer from a mild inferiority complex, and that this Turkish man makes you feel beautiful and fantastic - but you then said you had a flicker of doubt when he didn't contact you one day. But now you say you trust him 100%?

You sound to me as though you really want to make this relationship work, and while there's nothing wrong in that as such, besides it being very early days - relationships (certainly in the beginning) are not something you need to work at. They certainly shouldn't be! When you start off in a relationship everything should come naturally, and you're both usually so enamoured with each other there's nothing you need to work at!

I've read SO MANY times how women on these sites meet a Turkish man and feel obliged to 'work at it'. Why? Why put EFFORT into a relationship with a man you barely know?! As if we don't have enough going on in our lives without having to 'work at' a relationship with a man we barely know - and who lives 2000 miles away! To me - that is just not fun!

The reason many women do tend to scoff at many of these relationships is that we have seen how frequently so many of them go pear-shaped. I don't know the actual figure, but going by my experience through living in Turkey and reading stories on these sites, newspapers, magazines etc; including having friends in the UK with Turkish partners/husbands, the vast majority of relationships fail. Some last a couple of years - some last 5 or 10 years before the man goes off or the woman throws him out. Some women, maybe through pride or desperation, will stick with the marriage despite his bad treatment of her - or the fact he's hardly ever at home - they'll carry on the pretence of being happily married when, in fact, they're leading separate lives. I would hazard a conservative guess that about 90% of these relationships go tits-up eventually. And that's not great odds.

Of course, some relationships do work, and the couples are very happy together - and you could be in that minority. But with your emotional issues (which you yourself have admitted to) you're already vulnerable and have an extra odd stacked against you. It's perfectly possible that this relationship could take off and you'll both live happily ever after - but it's very, very unlikely.

One of the mistakes that so many women seem to make when they first meet a Turkish man, is that they start planning for the future, and become totally consumed by him - even though they hardly know him. I just don't understand why they do it. And I think they themselves are partly responsible for their future unhappiness - because they've helped engineer it. They think they've fallen in love with this exotic man - sometimes without even meeting him! But for those who meet their man on holiday they only know him in a holiday setting, and of course he's going to be 'happy', 'charming' , 'complimentary' etc etc etc - he's in the same environment that you are - and he's getting paid for it, too.

I firmly believe that almost every single one of these relationships (including mine) would have fizzled out within just a few weeks' had it not been so easy to stay in contact. Computers and mobile phones have a lot to answer for, including sites such as the old EGOTM and Turkish Love where young silly girls and vulnerable older women join up as soon as they've met their askim on holiday - or have been fished off the Internet by a visa-hunter (don't even go down THAT road!) - and while they're waiting to hear from askim they log on to one of the silly Turkish Lurve sites to get their 'fix' of Turkey and to feel closer to their askim, simply by talking about him and belonging to a club of other women who have these askims 2000 miles away.

I certainly couldn't have continued a relationship just by phone, texting, Skype etc and the occasional fortnight trip to go out and visit him 3 or 4 times a year. To me - that is not a relationship - that is a continuing holiday romance. So to even use the word 'relationship' is premature at this stage. Of course, there's nothing wrong in staying in contact, and going out to visit him again, but you shouldn't put your life on hold for those two weeks' months away from now. I can honestly say that had I just kept in contact by phone etc with my partner, it would have gradually fizzled out. I was fortunate in many ways in that I was able to fly out there as often as I wanted and when I wanted - in the beginning I'd sometimes decide to book a flight for the very next day - and I was fortunate enough to be able to live out there (albeit on a to and fro basis) and it was that time we spent together which built the foundations of our relationship. But I never planned for the future in that first year or so - we just had a really good time together and enjoyed being together - and the relationship developed naturally.

I think unless you can spend lots and lots of time with this man it's going to be very difficult for a relationship to develop. How can it develop when you're not together - sharing things? Sharing experiences, doing things together, holding hands, looking into their eyes! (as you rightly point out) seeing their body language, smelling their scent, making love, eating together, laughing together, having long conversations into the night, sleeping together - everything. A relationship cannot progress through snatched conversations on the phone or soppy text messages, or MSN/Skype, they're just communication tools - they're not real life.

I know I've drifted off-topic, slightly, but the point I'm making is that the relationships that do tend to be successful are those ones where the couple spent a long time together, in a proper relationship, in the same country. Yes, they have to get a visa eventually (because by that stage they don't want to be apart) but they're secure in the knowledge that they're getting the visa because they want to be together rather than as a means of being together to see how it pans out and how they get on. Some women get fiance visas' for their askim, knowing full well they'll get married to this man who they barely know that well at all; they've maybe spent just 6 weeks' together - if that - and have spent the rest of it chatting online Or they marry the man in Turkey just to bring him over, all knowing deep down they're not really sure of his motives - and are not really sure of their OWN feelings! They just think they'll 'work at it'. And then they all complain when years down the line they realise he'd been duping them all along.

Honestly, if I were you, and with your emotional issues being so deep-seated, I would keep this man as a happy kind of distraction - someone you can text or call every now and then - and maybe pop over to see him when you have some free time - but I would not make any plans for the future with him - and meanwhile I would go out with all my friends to bars, nughtclubs etc and really, really enjoy myself. That's what you should do.

Hope that's helped.

Strawbs

Gotta agree here, they are hard work when your apart living in a different country, its impossible to make it work coz theres nothing to build it up on K you need to get out there and meet lots of people who can make you feel good like this fella you know does, you sound a clever girl so it will be easy to meet mr right nothing stopping you seeing the turk still but see other people besides him, your not engaged so your a free agent. Go for it!

Its true, nearly all of the people on here end up breaking up so what does that tell ya? I hope you listen and think about it coz you seem a nice girl and if you have low confidence he could end up recking you

Pol

I met my husband in 1996 when working in Turkey and we spent a year together there and then came to the UK and got married a year and half after meeting. Since meeting apart from the odd week or two we have never spent any time apart and the relationship developed as naturally as it would had I met him over here.

I do think that some long distance relationships can work out but as others said they can be difficult to maintain and the majority do fail. I also would say go with flow but don't put your life on hold, working Turkey I saw a lot and there are a lot of players maintaining long distance relationships with a number of women all believing they are in love with them. I am not saying this is the case with you but it is good to be educated on the pitfalls at the beginning so you can act appropriately if any red flags arise.

I've got my hand up here as someone who sustained a "continuing holiday romance".

We started off in 1996 and we managed with good old fashioned land line 'phone calls and lots of romantic letters full of our hopes and dreams for the future (sad I know lol!!), and of course as many visits as I could manage. I suppose where there's a will there's a way as they say - but that will has to be the same on both sides. It can never work if one party wants it more than the other, which is where I firmly believe that so many of these relationships fail. If you're not a true match it'll never work out long term. Clever as they may seem on the face of it, these men with agendas who are playing the long game will all get found out sooner or later.

You have to want the same things out of life too. My husband is not particularly close to family in Turkey, nor is he particularly wedded to his culture. He has always been very adaptable and open-minded and has fitted in to life in the UK very easily. He has never been a homesick "I want to go back to Turkey" type, or the type to want to send ££££s back to family in Turkey - another huge stumbling block for Anglo/Turkish couples.

It was always easy to keep things going for us. We never really hit any snags and that continued when he moved over here. At no point have we ever found ourselves "working" at our relationship - the day we do, I think we'll both be worried.

I think I was very lucky to stumble on the Turk I did, rather than some of the lowlife spongers and inflexible, controlling, conservative dogmatic types I read about on the internet.

Seems 1996 was a vintage year Judith Good to hear about a successful long distance relationship as well. My husband adapted well to England too and although is close to his family doesn't hanker after Turkey. He is also not religious nor am I and I think that helps.

He also does not try to control me and I have always been quite independent. He is not perfect though and I think we have said this before to me he is just a man the Turkish novelty wore off after the first year or so though was quite seductive in the beginning.

I do think Turkish men are generally more romantic initially than English men and wear their hearts on the their sleeves which can sweep us off our feet. Gokhan used to introduce me to people as "this is the woman I love"!!!! I also think they like our independence and find us refreshing compared to Turkish women who are closeted so the attraction can be strong and very mutual. Most problems appear to be when the men then try to change the women and control them and that's if the attraction is geniune. I think this has been said before the relationships that tend to be successful normally have a fairly strong woman who sorts out any cultural issues early on as well.

Hi Sharry,

That's very true what you say - after a while you really don't see them as Turkish do you? In fact, I think because Ertie doesn't look typically Turkish, and he spoke such good English when I met him - except for some of his mannerisms - I didn't feel he was very 'Turkish' when I met him. I know that sounds odd, but I didn't think of him as 'a Turk' - I just thought of him as 'Ertie'. Which isn't actually his name, I just shortened it as I found his full name difficult to pronounce at first - but now I tend to call him by his full name as it's easier for me - and it sounds better, too. He hates being called Ertie! lol

I also think the fact that he isn't at all religious (though he's Muslim, of course) and the fact he comes from a small family by Turkish standards - he doesn't have that pull to return to Turkey. He was also raised by his grandmother and father (his mother died when he was 9-years-old) and has just one older sister. It seems that the grandmother was a formidable character and really ruled the roost in their house - but Ertie adored and respected her - and I think that paved the way for him to accept that women have equal rights and must be respected. Your point about relationships tending to be successful where the woman has a strong character does apply to us - but we do clash at times as his character is strong too - albeit in a different way. BUT, we both know each other inside out, so we don't take too much notice of each other if we do clash. We just wait for the 'moment' to pass.

I love what your husband used to say when he introduced you to people "this is the woman I love"!!! Haha! I think that's SO sweet and lovely - I really do!

By the way, slightly off-topic (very off-topic, actually) but I LOVE your dress! Where did you get it from? It's really pretty. They're probably all sold out now, though.

Judith, what you've said about your own holiday romance and how it eventually lead to a happy and successful marriage, is the point I was trying to make. I bet 99% of the relationships in the last decade would have gone no further than maybe one letter at most - probably none from his side. It's SO easy to tap out a text or chat on Facebook, Skype, MSN - it involves no effort at all. But I guarantee to you that all those romantic feelings would quickly evaporate if the men had to go into a shop, buy writing paper, envelopes - go home, sit down and write out a letter, then go to the post office to send it off. They wouldn't do it! And they wouldn't go and walk all the way to a phonebox just to hear your voice for a few minutes; nowadays they just 'pring' a woman while they're laying with their feet up on a bar stool, sipping the Raki that his last girlfriend has bought him.

Of course, there must be a few amongst all of them who do really like a woman they've met - but even those ones often fall by the wayside due to the difficulty in keeping contact, and more often than not, the initial excitement and butterflies all wearing off and fizzling out.

So for any marriages such as yours - where there was real, genuine want - and real effort made to stay in contact and see each other again - is very, very different to these 'easy come easy go' relationships where they can just tap out a text (often one stored in their template) just to see if they can add to their portfolio of mugs.

Strawbs

portfolio of mugs..........thats a new one LOL.............

The dress was from Monsoon and is about 6 years old though soon after I bought it I put on weight as I gave up smoking. However I kept it and last year I finally lost a stone and it fitted me again this summer. It's one of those dresses you always feel good in as its quite structured so pulls you in at all the right places!

Hi! You've all made some enlightening and fair points and I'm beginning to see where you're all coming from. Okay, so what you're telling me is the woman needs to be strong for the relationship to flourish - I can see that, yeah, it makes sense to me! I probably did myself an injustice when I said I have a borderline inferiority complex, I believe I do and I suffer from anxiety for sure but I'm not weak in the true sense of the word. I believe in many ways I am strong for pushing through my weaknesses and just because I am weak doesn't mean I am stupid!

I am a quick learner too and pick up vibrations before I've even entered a room, my brain runs at the speed of light. For that reason alone I think I am capable in making good judgements about people but I am not so up my own self to realise I can err on occasion. I believe my Turkish guy is 1000% genuine and I have no cause to doubt him. We have a slight difficulty with misunderstandings - due in part to his English not being perfect and my Turkish being non existent. That is one snag we have but we can work through that!

What you are telling me is that relationships can work with Turkish men with time and patience, and by staying true to yourself, right? I get that. I could never change for any man, whoever he was, what you see is what you get with me! I'm sure I could adapt just a little to accommodate some of the cultural differences we have and I wouldn't mind that, as long as he was patient with me and tried to adapt for me too.

Reading some of the stories it sounds a minefield having a Turkish man but I want to be one of the success stories, I want to be one of the women who can say 'look at us, it worked for us'! I know there are scores of women whose relationships collapse soon after it's got off the ground but I don't want to be in that club - I want to be in that elite group of women who haven't been tossed aside as just some temporary plaything - I want to be special and he makes me feel so SPECIAL!

Now I need to know how to keep him attentive while we're apart! I'm enjoying your advice!

Kx

Try writing him love letters and putting kisses on them...that will keep him attentive......

What you are telling me is that relationships can work with Turkish men with time and patience, and by staying true to yourself, right?

No Katrinagem - what I was telling you is that if the will is the same on both sides it can work.

If women start chasing and making all the running and showing that they are prepared to change out of all recognition in order to please and gain acceptance then I can assure you, you're onto a loser. It might not show for a while, but a relationship on those terms won't last long term - guaranteed, or even if it does last, one or both of you won't be genuinely happy and fulfilled.

If you're in a happy, healthy, secure and equal relationship where you both respect one another "working at it" or "having patience" with it shouldn't be an issue.

If it seems like hard work and a struggle then it is not working - however you might try to convince yourself that it is. And if you find yourself saying that "you'll do whatever it takes to make it work" then forget it.

If a man doesn't call you for a week it's because he doesn't want to call you for a week - simple. No excuses. Where there's a will there's a way and if he doesn't call you then more than likely, as the Americans say, "he's just not that into you".

Hi Katrinagem,

What Judith has said is so true - you should heed her advice.

I'm sorry, but I just don't understand why you seem to have this desperate need to accommodate him? Why can't he accommodate you? Why can't he change for you? Is his culture and religion more important than yours?

But more importantly that that - why do either of you have to change?! Why can't you both be yourselves?

I haven't given it much thought before, but I'm starting to wonder if there isn't some kind of inverted racism going in with some of these relationships - or even friendships. I've noticed how some Brits (and especially Yanks) seem to fall over themselves to say how FANTASTIC, how WONDERFUL, how LOVELY most Turks are - and I find that behaviour rather patronising. It's like saying they're surprised a mere Turk can actually be decent! It's bloody insulting, actually! When you think about and analyse it, you'll see where I'm coming from.

But I've drifted off-topic - again! As Judith rightly says - if you have to 'work at' your relationship - then it's not working, is it? You don't need to 'work at' a relationship when you're both in love, happy together, content, understand each other, and comfortable with each other. There's nothing that needs working on.

The only people who have to 'work at' their relationships are those who aren't in a normal and happy relationship. They're often insecure, too, and will bend over backwards on tiptoes to try and make their man happy. Lots of women on these sites have been slaves to their man/husband. They tip-toe around them on eggshells, too scared to even ask a normal question for fear they'll hear what they don't want to hear. They even fear their husband may not return to the UK if he goes to visit his family! One of the managers of a site has a marriage like that, but I won't say who. Oh, alright then. Sirin. Oh, and Sandie. Sandie does that - but she fakes a bolshy persona on the site - load of b*llocks!

Katrinagem, I know you have emotional issues, but do you (20 years down the line) want to end up like them? Go join their site and take a look. It might be a good wake-up call to you.

And it's true about the phone calls and contact. If a man doesn't phone you - it's because he doesn't want to. Or more than likely - hasn't even thought of it! Anyone anywhere in the world can make contact - even if you're 30,000 feet up in the air. Or even if you're up in spaceship fixing a satellite! So there is no excuse. You know yourself that if you want to make contact with someone you will find a way. And I GUARANTEE to you that if you sent him a message when he was AWOL, making out you were the Turkish Lottery and that he'd won some money - he would return that call in less than 0.01 seconds.

You sound very intelligent; you're young; and you have your whole life ahead of you. It would be criminal to throw it all away on a scumbag.

Strawbs

The headings a bit childish I thought........eager beaver.....

Hi! Thank you for your input, most of you are very helpful on here and I appreciate that most sincerely! One thing I will say is that I do not chase my man, no way! The reason I may seem eager as someone charmingly put it is that this is the the first Turkish guy I have been with, and although I'm a beginner I don't agree that there aren't differences in Turkish mens characters compared to British men. From what I can tell Turkish men seem to demand more attention but that could just be my imagination!

I know he is as smitten with me as I am him so in that respect we're very much on an equal footing. It's only my personal problems which make me unsure of him and they're what I have to work through. I would be lying if I said the distance didn't worry me, I lay awake at night wondering if women are coming onto him, he's an incredibly handsome guy and could easily pull, so yeah, this does worry me. Not so much him but the women tempting him and enticing him, I know how they can snare and encourage a handsome man into their beds.

He's never not contacted me for a full week so that's no issue to me, if he did that we would be playing a very different game, he'd be playing solo! I've got to say this too, he is no scumbag, if he is he has not shown that side to me. I'm no fool, I know I can't be the first woman he's fallen for, that would be foolish of me to even think that way but I know when someone is crazy for me!

I would be interested to know how you kept your men interested when you were apart, it sure can't have been easy! How do you all know your men didn't play around when you were home saving up to go back over? Are there signs to watch out for, if so, what? This is what I want to know and I want to know how to keep him attentive while we're apart. I don't want to lose this incredible man and I think there's truth in the "out of sight out of mind" saying. Yeah, I do. This scares me! I know we both want each other more than anything in the world but how do I know he'll feel like that in three months time?

He makes me feel like I'm the only person in the world when we're together but I'm scared he'll drop me and tire of me, it happens all the time, right? What made your relationships so special that your men never strayed while you were apart? I really want to know!

Hi Katrinagem,

You won't like me saying this, but you come across so intense. And that's not an attractive trait in anyone : It's a giant turn-off. You already sound a little obsessed, and that is terrribly unhealthy.

As regards your questions, I can't speak for everyone, because each couple is unique and everyone's circumstances are different. You're right - up to a point - when you say Turkish men often have certain traits unique to them, but again, each Turk is different. I don't know anything about this man of yours, and none of us should be expected to advise and tell you how to treat him when it's you who should have the most insight. You're the one who knows him - not us!

As for how to keep him attentive while apart - the simple answer is you can't. He will remain attentive if he wants to. But remember, some men have ulterior motives for remaining attentive - you shouldn't lose sight of that fact.

You obviously really like this man, and all you can do is allow the relationship to progress naturally. There's no point fretting over what he's getting up to while you're not there - if he's going to play around he'll do it whether you fret or not. When I first met my partner and I came back to England in the beginning, I was aware that he was an environment full of women and could be tempted - he's a man - and men get tempted very easily. I didn't let that thought bother me, as there was absolutely nothing I could do about it being 2000 miles away, and to be honest, at that stage of our relationship I didn't love him. We hadn't spent enough time together to form a deep, true bond. Yes, I would have been disappointed had I discovered he'd played away, but that's part and parcel of being in a relationship with a man you see very little of and who lives 2000 miles away. You have to be realistic about these things.

I was very fortunate in that I was able to return to Turkey very soon after meeting Ertie, and I was able to spend all summer out there until we eventually found an apartment and moved in together out there. So I never really had any long instances where we were apart, although there have been times here and there when I had to return to the UK etc, but by that stage I trusted Ertie implicitly, because I knew he loved me. You must know that when we fall in love with someone, there's no-one else in the world you'd want to sleep with. You just don't have the desire - and that applies to both men and women.

I really do think you're trying far too hard to achieve something that can only come naturally. And for that reason alone I don't think your relationship will work.

Strawbs

I go along with that K...your obsessed and that is unhealthy....you shud be asking yourself why you are obsessed....it must wear you out obsessing over him and you cant be living a life if all you do is think about him all the time...theres a big world out there..... .....

Hello Katrinagem

You say in post 25 'but I trust him 100%. No, 1000%! I believe the eyes are the window of the soul and I could tell by looking into his what a good, honest and faithful man he is. I have no doubts on that'.

Again in post 34 'I believe my Turkish guy is 1000% genuine and I have no cause to doubt him'.

I think you are trying to convince yourself that this man is genuine and none of us can tell you whether he is or isnt, only time will tell.

If you genuinely believe what you have written, you would not have written post 39 as it is obvious that you do not trust him and are more than eager to try to keep him interested in you whilst maintaining a LDR.

Stop trying so hard and see what effort HE puts into your relationship, then you will know if he is genuine or not and worthy of your affections.

Ruby

Great advice Ruby....thats a top post with top advice....hope K takes note......

Stop trying so hard and see what effort HE puts into your relationship, then you will know if he is genuine or not and worthy of your affections.

That is excellent advice Ruby.

Strawbs also made a very good point when she said:

As for how to keep him attentive while apart - the simple answer is you can't. He will remain attentive if he wants to.

Katrinagem sounds like she is absolutely besotted and infatuated with this man. She comes across as desparately eager to do whatever it takes to hang on to him and there's no way whatsoever that that sort of desparation won't come across to this man. If he's as keen as her then everything will be OK. If he's not it will make him back off because desperate, clingy full-on needy tendancies are a real turn off for either sex when they are not reciprocated.

What she's really got to be careful of is if this man is not genuine and has an agenda or an ulterior motive. If he has, he'll treat her like a cat toying with a mouse.

why do so many women loose their marbles over TURKISH men?......why?........

Hi! Thanks you for your opinions, but you haven't really given me the advice I asked for. I would say if you'd been given the same advice you're all giving ME, none of you would be in relationships! Pardon me for saying this but you all seem to be jumping the gun and making assumptions. I am not needy or clingy or desperate! Why just because I adore this man should I hold back on my feelings? I want him to know how much I want and love him, yeah, I do.

I don't ever want to lose him, I love him. I want to know how to cope with the separation and how to keep him keen. I know that men lose interest when their girl is thousands of miles across the seas, I understand that. That's why I need your help. It's got nothing at all to do with neediness, it's to do with my feelings of love for him. I don't want him to lose interest in me and fade away like a ship sailing off in the night. I'm no silly plaything or toy, I know he's had other girls before me, but I want to be special! I want to be the one. You're confusing my love for him with being needy, well I can tell you, I am no Tammy Wynette - I will not stand by my man if he does me wrong! No I will not! But he hasn't done me wrong so far, and for now all is good, cool and brilliant.

I just want to know how you kept your men interested when you were apart? Is it such a difficult question to answer?

Katrinagem, you're missing the point. You don't need to worry about keeping him interested. He has fished you off FaceBook. There's no way he's going to let you slip the net. As long as he's still interested in pursuing whatever plan it was that motivated him to find you in the first place, you'll be OK.

So don't worry. He's certainly not going to fade away like a ship sailing off in the night - well, not unless a better opportunity presents itself in the meantime. You just have to hope it doesn't but all the while he has access to a computer it could very well do. Men like this cast their nets far and wide.

Katrinagem, what you should be asking yourself is how is your man going to keep YOU interested in him whilst you are apart. Thats a very easy question you should be asking him, assuming of course that he is that interested in you.

Ruby

Hi Katrinagem,

You've no worries about your man sailing off; he's docked good and proper in that port with you.

I can tell you now, any man who fishes a woman off the Internet (one who lives 2000+ miles away) has an ulterior motive. And you don't need to be Freud to work out why that would be! Every single, solitary relationship I've read about on these sites, where the Turkish man has fished a British/American woman off the Internet (whether via Facebook/Language Chat Rooms/English Girlfriends of Turkish Men Chat Rooms...) they're ALL abnormal relationships. And shall I tell you why? Because it just isn't normal for a man to want to date a woman he CANNOT meet! NO man wants to date a woman he needs a visa for to take her out for a kebab! Men looking for genuine relationships via dating sites will always stipulate they want someone who lives within close proximity to them; reason being - they want to SEE the woman and spend time with her! Unbelieveable isn't it?! And they want to have sex with her, too! Not cheap, sordid cyber sex that is cold, unloving, unemotional and seedy - but warm, loving, tender sex where they can touch and feel each other. Share each other's warmth. What's worse about these tawdrid cyber sex encounters is that the man is getting a dirty, cheap thrill - and all for free! He's not even using a prostitute site - he's using some stupid mug-woman who will give it away for nothing.

These Turkish men are having a laugh - at your expense. And he's not going to 'sail off' - because you're his meal-ticket and passport to a better life. That's why he fished you off Facebook. Quite a few women on other sites have been fished this way - some have ended up marrying men who don't love them at all - they're just using them. Some of them don't even FANCY the woman.

I don't know WHY you're bothering with this man and treating him like some kind of god or movie star. You are so typical of these deluded, desperate numpties who walk around with rose-coloured spectacles convincing themselves they've found an exotic, handsome, wonderful man - when in reality they're usually slimy, unctious, crafty weeds who intend to use you to better their lives - and won't care how many years they'll rob from you. They could stay with you for 10 years until they walk off into the sunset, with their fat little nest egg, good CV and British Passport.

VERY few of these relationships survive, and that's including the genuine ones. They too have lots of difficulties - what with the different culture, religion, ideas etc : the few that do work do so because they met in a normal way (not on the Internet) they were immediately attracted to each other; there was no ulterior motive; the relationship grew by spending TIME together; and the man was already westernised to a certain degree. He wouldn't need to adapt or make changes, and any he did make would be because he wanted to - for the woman he loves.

You always seem to hear about the woman trying to 'adapt' and 'accommodate' - she'll try to learn all about his culture, his language, how to cook Turkish food; learn about Turkish history, and in some cases may even become a Muslim when they have no idea what Islam really is - but none of that will make him love her. And if you notice, Turkish men NEVER try to do all that for their British woman. They don't start reading the Bible, studying English, reading up on our history - and that's because they're not particularly interested - in Great Britain - or you!

A very small minority of Turkish men will adapt into British culture, and fully embrace it. I may sound smug here (but I don't care if I do) Ertie is now about as Turkish as Fry's Turkish Delight. That isn't because I've indoctrinated him - he was already very westernised when I first met him. His English was excellent, and he was well-read and knowledgeable about life outside of Turkey. Of course, he is Turkish by birth, and was brought up in Turkey. He's also a Muslim (though he never prays or visits a mosque, and he certainly doesn't follow Islamic rules) and unlike many Turkish men he holds women in high regard. I wouldn't be with him if he didn't. The few things he does enjoy (which is perfectly natural) is watching Turkish films on his computer; catching up with Turkish News; and occasionally buying Turkish food (maybe once every few months). He actually prefers the British lifestyle and most of his friends are English, except for a couple of Turkish friends who he seldom sees as he has nothing much in common with them.

I know I've gone waaaay off-topic there, but the point I'm making is that our relationship worked - because we fancied each other from the very start - and sharing time together helped our love grow. It never occured to me to think how to keep him attentive or interested - it happened naturally. I didn't feel I had to fake a persona, or act in a different way to usual in order to keep his interest. I didn't have some 'Rule Book' I referred to in order to keep him interested. I think your question is ludicrous, actually.

A man will be interested (and stay interested) if he fancies you and grows to love you. And no amount of learning Turkish, or learning Turkish cookery will make him fall in love with you. You could be the BEST cook in the world - but he'll just love your meals - he won't love YOU if the feeling isn't there.

The problem you have is that this man fished you off the Internet - and that's ALWAYS a sign of an ulterior motive. Believe me. So he may very well feign interest in you, and he'll declare undying love and tell he wants to marry you. He may play the old chestnut where he makes out he wants you to go and live in Turkey with him - he'll flinch at the suggestion of coming to the UK to live! lol But give it a few months or a year or so, and he'll soon come round to the idea of upping sticks and moving to the UK.......

Ask yourself : what is the point of this relationship? You already have problems - and you're adding to them. That's another thing I've noticed with women such as you - they go looking for unsuitable relationships! I don't know if it's the drama, the unavailibilty that's attractive - but it's certainly not normal. It's a few steps removed from entering a 'relationship' with an inmate in prison - one you've never met. I actually have a theory that women who choose these terribly unsuitable and unsatisfactory relationships - besides having low self-esteem - are probably quite scared of getting too close to a man for fear the man will become disillusioned with them......and nine times out of ten the Turkish men always DO end up walking.

If I were you I would get out and socialise and meet a man who doesn't need a visa to take to you for dinner.

Strawbs

First of all, I must apologise to Katrinagem because I confused her with Amandar (the member on another thread who met her Turk via Facebook). Karinagem's name had been mentioned on that thread too and I got the two muddled up so I'm sorry about that. I have read back over this thread and I realise that Katrinagem met her man whilst on holiday in Turkey.

However Katrinagem, getting back to your story, your behaviour both when you are together with your man and apart from him, should make you feel secure enough in your relationship not to have to ask daft questions like this of a bunch of cyber strangers.

You have told us that you adore this man, you love him and don't ever want to lose him. You say he makes you feel wonderful, special and that you trust him 1000% etc. Yet you have to ask how to keep him interested in you...?

That is not the sort of queston that someone who trusts someone 1000% and is sure of them would ask. That is the sort of question that someone who is insecure and unsure would ask. Actually, that question makes you sound incredibly desperate and needy.

Like you, I met my husband whilst on holiday in Turkey and when I was with him he always made me feel like he adored me, loved me and never wanted to lose me, and I reciprocated. Because of that it never occurred to me to think about what I had to do to "keep him interested" when we were apart. We both knew that we were constantly in each other's thoughts and what we shared together made us secure in our feelings for one another, even though there was distance between us for sometimes months at a time. These weren't just words either because we both backed it up with actions and made sure we kept in contact with very regular phone calls and long letters - no texts, Skype, MSN or webcams back then but we managed nevertheless!

You really need to be honest with yourself here and ask yourself what makes you feel like you need to keep him interested as you call it. Is it because of your own "issues" or because of something to do with the way he is behaving, or the things he is saying to you? Either way, something is not as it should be and you'll need to resolve it if you want any sort of peace of mind. In healthy relationships people feel secure, and the need to feel secure is perhaps more important in a long distance relationship than it might be in a relationship where there is no distance between you. You sound far from secure in your relationship if these sorts of thoughts are on your mind. Insecurity breeds mistrust and if you have that in your relationship then it's in trouble.