New ... here is my story

Hi Maria ... mmm ... it could have been piles. Would explain why he was so self-concious and he was definitely in some sort of pain. I can assure you his private parts were not made in a doctor's office. LOL! I did wonder if he was bo sometimes .. just an odd feeling. He had a hard time finishing in sex - the times he did were the times he cried.

Ruby - I don't think that was it. Honestly, I believe most of his flirting was just cyber and he never met a fraction of these women. He's one of those people on FB who has tons of friends but most are strangers. The single mothers he picked all seemed to have heavy issues - one had a severely handicapped daughter - and another had a 16 year old with two children of her own. It seemed like they were easy targets.

If I had to put his women into catagories - 1. fat, ugly/plain woman who thought he was Brad Pitt 2. Sex pots with the almost naked picturs (I'm sure many were fake) 3. Single moms or women who were looking to escape their countries - women with heavy issues 4. Western women he met on dating sites (ME!)

Well Curly

You wont be the first, and you certainly will not be the last to be taken in by some of these slime balls.

We are always banging on about people being given really stupid advice from the numpty groups who post saying 'go for it hun' and 'what's for you wont pass you by'. Women are actively encouraged to put their lives in danger and put all thought of physical danger to one side, pay 1,000's of dollars or sterling to go meet a total stranger. What you must ask yourself Curly, is if this guy had approached you in Walmart, would you have been so easily taken in by him? I understand that he was in the States on a Student Visa, but as Judith has already pointed out, these guys who trawl dating sites outside of their own country are looking for an easy ride i.e. their home comforts being catered for, meals, washing, sex etc. or a long term solution to remaining in America.

We know of a certain fruitcake from the States on another site who was taken in by a Turd she met on a dating site and she was so desperate for any man to stay in her life that she married him. He worked illegally as a Pizza Delivery driver (he too was on a Student Visa). It wont be too long before that ends up like Dr Conrad Murray. BTW, I am NOT implying you are a fruitcake.

Curly, you have had an extremely lucky escape from this nutcase, he was never going to be 'long term' and if I were in your shoes I would be celebrating my freedom.

Ruby

Thank you, Ruby! It didn't feel that way at the time, but having him drop me was the best thing he ever did for me. Maybe the only unselfish gesture he ever made. Believe me when I say to you, the loss in the long run is his.

I never felt unsafe when I was with him. Of course, now I'm thinking DANG!

Curly

To be totally blunt with you, you say 'the loss in the long run is his'.

Think of this 'loss' the same way as you would after accidentally treading in dog poo and scraping it off your shoes. The loss of him is in the same category as getting dog crap off your shoes, it stinks, its an inconvenience, you would not want to tread it in the house and its good for nothing but the garbage bin.

Ruby

ruby wrote:Curly

To be totally blunt with you, you say 'the loss in the long run is his'.

Think of this 'loss' the same way as you would after accidentally treading in dog poo and scraping it off your shoes. The loss of him is in the same category as getting dog crap off your shoes, it stinks, its an inconvenience, you would not want to tread it in the house and its good for nothing but the garbage bin.

Ruby

BRILLIANT!

curlyboop wrote:This post hit me like a ton of bricks ... WOW

Regarding the woman in Istanbul - his reaction is typical rat behaviour - and he's not a very sophisticated one, either. His explanation to you is so ridiculous that it's an insult to your intelligence. Either he's stupid to think you'd believe such crap, or he thinks you're fool enough to believe anything he tells you.

It was truly unbelievable. I have eyes. I don't know why he even bothered. It's not like he cared what I thought or felt. Maybe it was one last mind game to make me to question my sanity.

We've already gone through the post-coital crying - and there's one of two reasons he did that. Either it was a reaction to the release of pent-up frustration (some people can cry after sex) but more often than not - it's caused by a sudden feeling of guilt. I don't want to make you feel worse, but some men will fantasise about another woman (or a past love) when having sex, and after the act the realisation that they haven't made love with that other woman makes them feel very emotional and sad. I can't say for sure that that's the reason he cried, but whatever the reason was, it wasn't because he was madly in-love with you - if that were the case he wouldn't have treated you so badly the rest of the time : ignored you - blocked you from his Facebook - left the US without saying Goodbye..

.

He seemed present in sex - called me by my name and eye contact BUT he had weird hang-ups. Sch as never let me see him naked for very long (slept in and walked around in a towel - even if he hadn't taken a shower); lights out (I had to negotiate for TV lighting); not always willing to let himself get carried away by the moment. He certainly wasn't an adventurous or giving lover.

ots of people like to have a cop-out when they want to end a relationship, and the easiest ones for cowards are the old chestnuts such as 'I'm not good enough for you'. They pretend they're ending things for YOUR own good - but that's just so they can walk away without feeling riddled with guilt for having used you. So when he said you don't trust him and "there can't be a relationship without trust" he's saying that as an excuse to drop you. If he really wanted to be with you, Curly, he would do everything in his power to make you trust him!


Probably the most revealing part - which shows his lack of feelings for you - is when he wished you a happy life. There's no passion, regret, sadness, anger, pain - nothing. The opposite of love is not hate - it's indifference. And that remark he made you wishing you a happy life shows just how indifferent he is to you.

BINGO! I was disposable to him. The fact that he sent this note then cut me off showed he had no investment in me. If he cared - even if he thought I was accusing him unfairly - he would have kept the lines of communication open.

By the way, regarding the crying at the airport - lots of men (especially Turkish men) are very good at turning on the waterworks. They just do what actors do when they have to cry for a scene : they think of something terribly sad that happened to them in the past - and the tears start flowing quite easily once they work their emotions up (and he sounds the emotional type, too) Surely you've seen those judges in things like the X-Factor, who start weeping when some giant pimple starts singing a ballad (dedicated to their dead grandmother) and the female judge gives little sobs while carefully wiping her tears away (so as not to smudge her mascara)? You watch the judges expression before they start crying and you can see how they're reflecting back to a sad time in their own lives to try to squeeze the tears out. That's what Turks do at the airport.

It begins with a vacant faraway look......

I also think I was looking at this through the eyes of my culture. Men don't cry. Period. That's why it touched me so deeply. But you knew exactly what happened. That vacant look ... WOW.

Reflecting, he came into my life when I was in turmoil. I lost three people who were very close to me, I was unhappy with work ... he didn't do much, but he gave me affection I needed. As I said before, I was always a pretty shallow person, always going for the hot guys. I wasn't attracted to him very much but I liked his personality so I thought I should change my ways since they never brought me happiness. That's probably why I overlooked my gut ... because I was fighting my nature.

I was definitely the better looking of the two of us. And, not to sound full of myself, the women I know he's been with are very plain. He isn't a man with options. He isn't charming, clever or anything. He's just someone who can zero in on a woman with low self-esteem or who is emotionally vulnerable. I'm sure he hits on a lot of women ... we are just the ones who responded to his advances.

I know he is still online dating because I dipped my toe back in and who shows up as one of my matches (he lies and says he is in NYC, btw) ... I guess it makes me feel better in some childish way that the woman who was publicly bragging about her wonderful relationship with him wasn't the ONE either. It would have made me terrible to think what he said to her was true.

My sadness and anger are ebbing .. I pity him. What a messed up person he must be to treat people this way. But you live and you learn - I won't be that stupid next time and I won't ignore giant red flags. In the end, he got much more out of me than I ever got from him. And what I got, wasn't so great.

Thank you all for this journey into myself.

Hi Curly,

Sorry I've taken ages to reply!

I'm going to have to reply to you in stages, as I've missed quite a lot of your posts, and I'd already missed some when I wrote my last message to you!

I do think this man is strange - but I'll come to that later.

I'm picking bits out here, so it may seem disjointed.....

When you wrote that he:

(slept in and walked around in a towel - even if he hadn't taken a shower


did you ever ask him why he did that? Did he actually SLEEP wrapped in a towel, too?

Do you think he was embarrassed about a part of his body, or did he use the towel as a barrier? Did he cuddle you in bed or did he sleep a slight distance from you?

It's quite unusual for a man to be so hung-up about his body - unless there's something seriously wrong (such as a minute penis) but you would have known that without seeing.....maybe he had a tattoo or something....it does seem odd.

When you say he wasn't a 'giving lover' do you mean he just 'rolled on and rolled off'? Did he not seem to enjoy it? Or did he do it almost in an automatic fashion?

It sounds like sex wasn't that important to him. Would you agree with that? You said he wasn't 'giving' - so in effect - he was getting relief. Did he ever seem crazy for sex - or was it kind of half-hearted?

I wonder if the fact he treated you so shabbily (including the other women - which he obviously does/will do) maybe he secretly loathes you all? Maybe in some way all these vulnerable women remind him of himself and his own failures? The fact he has all these vulnerable women in his life is a constant reminder to him that he's lacking, even if he doesn't realise it consciously.

You mentioned in another post that he has a lot of single mothers as friends on his Facebook. Do you think that's just coincidence (many single mothers are vulnerable in as much as dating is usually harder when you have young children) but there are men who will target single mothers simply to get close to their children. I'm not suggesting in any way he has paedophile tendancies - he's probably extremely normal as far as that is concerned - but the fact he does have lots of single mothers as friends is something I myself wouldn't ignore. It could be totally innocent, but if he seems to have more single mothers on his Facebook than the average guy would have, that would ring a little alarm bell in me. What sort of numbers are you talking about percentage-wise?

I don't want to plant seeds into your head - I don't know this man and I could be jumping to the wrong conclusion - but it's very well-known that men do target single mothers to get to their children. Mind you, you don't have children, and from what you say about his Internet activity, it sounds like he just tries to pick up as many women as possible - so some of them are bound to be single mothers.

Can you remember what he wrote on his profile on the dating site?

Strawbs

curlyboop wrote:Thank you guys for not giving up on me. This was truly the best therapy I ever had. At first I was mad but then it started to sink in.

I'd love to know what kind of nut he is. Now I am horrified I spend two weeks in a foreign country with someone who could be crazy.

One little anecdote: I actually became friendly with his roommate here in NYC (she has since moved to another state). Sh went to see him in Turkey a few years ago. I don't know what happened but while she was there, he unfriended her, and her entire family (they were that close). She was the only one who defended him against the woman who posted on his FB page. She never would tell me what happened with him but she sometimes would hint that something happened that affected her deeply. But she used to call him her brother from another mother and he used to call her sis. Maybe she found out what he was up to.

ETA: Our dates when he was in the states were so normal. Sometimes we'd go out but other times he's come over and cook me dinner - he is a really good cook. Then we'd watch a movie and eat dessert. I didn't even sleep with him right away. He slept right next to me but no touching. He seemed to understand. He had to work as a waiter while he was hear bc he didn't have a work visa and this was an under the table job. He hated it bc he was used to having a better job. He seemed unhappy a lot of the time.

Hi Curly,

Did you ever discover what happened with his roommate? The one where you wrote:

She never would tell me what happened with him but she sometimes would hint that something happened that affected her deeply.

It must have been something major if he unfriended not just her, but all her family, too - who it seems he was very close to? Do you have any ideas what he could have done? Don't forget, if he is, say, a psychopath or has sexual deviances - these people are very cunning. They are very clever at hiding their true selves, and because of that (unless a red flag shows up) you won't watch out for something. You just take them at face value.

Again, it seemed so easy for him to sleep next to you without becoming aroused......

I know there's a respect thing going on when a couple first meet - but it takes a lot of resisting for a man to not touch a woman when he's laying in bed next to her. Perhaps he's just a cold fish? Ot maybe he only fancies himself.....

Strawbs

Guveclover wrote:He's very smarmy looking. He could be Peter Cushing's lovechild lol!

I'm sure you can do much better for yourself than him Curly.

Peter Cushing's lovechild!



Gosh, he does!

Strawbs

Ooooh, I just had a quick nose - and he was born round the corner to where I live. I must tell Ertie that - he'll say "Oh! Another famous person in Purley! All the famous person live in Purley don't they?!!!! lol"

Actually, these sites have been touched by fame quite a few times! I remember another Dracula lovechild - married to a trainee solicitor called Gem! How strange was that? She was called Gem and claimed she worked as a trainee solicitor (but was illiterate! lol) and then we had GemsGIRL who said she WAS a solicitor! All friends of Sirin - you noticed that?!

Anyway, back to Dracula.....and Peter Cushing...........must stay on topic!

Strawbs

When you wrote that he:

(slept in and walked around in a towel - even if he hadn't taken a shower


did you ever ask him why he did that? Did he actually SLEEP wrapped in a towel, too?

Do you think he was embarrassed about a part of his body, or did he use the towel as a barrier? Did he cuddle you in bed or did he sleep a slight distance from you?

It's quite unusual for a man to be so hung-up about his body - unless there's something seriously wrong (such as a minute penis) but you would have known that without seeing.....maybe he had a tattoo or something....it does seem odd.

Hi Strawbs,
I was starting to worry about you! I do want to hear why you think he is strange!

Yes, he slept with a towel wrapped around his lower body. Once I tried to wake him up in a sexy way and he pulled me towards him and made me stop when I tried to take the towel off. The only clue I have as to what is wrong is that after sex if he was on the bottom, he would examine the sheets. But it was odd that he wouldn't walk around naked bc I'm nature girl. I never asked bc it seemed like he had a medical reason for doing this, if that makes sense, as opposed to body shame. But I could be wrong. He was very cuddly in bed - in fact, I had to be touching him in some way when we slept (holding hands, head on his chest - maybe he was trying to suffocate me with his chest hair! - leg over his). If I wasn't he'd move me. As I mentioned up thread, when he was sick, he slept the entire night with his head on my chest and my arms around him.

When you say he wasn't a 'giving lover' do you mean he just 'rolled on and rolled off'? Did he not seem to enjoy it? Or did he do it almost in an automatic fashion?

It sounds like sex wasn't that important to him. Would you agree with that? You said he wasn't 'giving' - so in effect - he was getting relief. Did he ever seem crazy for sex - or was it kind of half-hearted

He wouldn't go downtown and had a very set series of moves - not really reacting to me. He didn't always finish and sex would end abruptly with him pushing me off or getting off me and running to the bathroom (this could be tied in with the towel problem though). The times he finished were the times he cried and he would then just lay with me for a long time. Sometimes he'd really want it but other times he wouldn't be in the mood and stop me if I tried to start something. He DID like a certain sex act, which I HATE. We tried it once and then I put a stop to that. Never brought up again.

I wonder if the fact he treated you so shabbily (including the other women - which he obviously does/will do) maybe he secretly loathes you all? Maybe in some way all these vulnerable women remind him of himself and his own failures? The fact he has all these vulnerable women in his life is a constant reminder to him that he's lacking, even if he doesn't realise it consciously.

Could be. From what I know about the others, we are all pretty emotionally people and very open. Wear our hearts on our sleeves types.

You mentioned in another post that he has a lot of single mothers as friends on his Facebook. Do you think that's just coincidence (many single mothers are vulnerable in as much as dating is usually harder when you have young children) but there are men who will target single mothers simply to get close to their children. I'm not suggesting in any way he has paedophile tendancies - he's probably extremely normal as far as that is concerned - but the fact he does have lots of single mothers as friends is something I myself wouldn't ignore. It could be totally innocent, but if he seems to have more single mothers on his Facebook than the average guy would have, that would ring a little alarm bell in me. What sort of numbers are you talking about percentage-wise?

I don't want to plant seeds into your head - I don't know this man and I could be jumping to the wrong conclusion - but it's very well-known that men do target single mothers to get to their children. Mind you, you don't have children, and from what you say about his Internet activity, it sounds like he just tries to pick up as many women as possible - so some of them are bound to be single mothers.

I'd say about 10% of his FB friends were single mothers - I couldn't really tell bc at one point he make his friend list private. I can just tell from the wall posts. Since most were from the backwoods of America, I doubt he met most if any of them in real life. They certainly didn't have the resources to go see him. I think he casts a very wide net when he fishes and these are the women who bite. They all seemed to shower him with attention on his FB wall. He does delete things people post that are too personal/say too much, btw.

Can you remember what he wrote on his profile on the dating site?

Very boring. Said he wanted to meet a nice girl for a new adventure. He enjoys going out or staying in with a movie and wine. Said he traveled to 20 countries but NYC is his last stop. He's calm and funny. He lists himself as non=religious instead of Muslim, which is untrue. Maybe bc Muslim would trigger in some people?

Hi Curly,

Did you ever discover what happened with his roommate? The one where you wrote:

She never would tell me what happened with him but she sometimes would hint that something happened that affected her deeply.

It must have been something major if he unfriended not just her, but all her family, too - who it seems he was very close to? Do you have any ideas what he could have done? Don't forget, if he is, say, a psychopath or has sexual deviances - these people are very cunning. They are very clever at hiding their true selves, and because of that (unless a red flag shows up) you won't watch out for something. You just take them at face value.

..

I never found out what happened. She won't talk about it except to say she had to do a lot of damage control and she's not sure if the trip was worth the pain it caused. He unfriended/was unfriended by her whole family while she was there. I'm guessing he did the unfriending bc after what he did to me, that seems to be his style. She did get married to a guy from Turkey shortly after her trip - don't know if that has something to do with it. They had been roommates for a year so it's hard to think she never saw anything strange about him until she went to see him in Turkey. When those two women called him out, she was the only one who defended him.

A

gain, it seemed so easy for him to sleep next to you without becoming aroused......

I know there's a respect thing going on when a couple first meet - but it takes a lot of resisting for a man to not touch a woman when he's laying in bed next to her. Perhaps he's just a cold fish? Ot maybe he only fancies himself...

He did try to start with me the night I had my "hands off" sign and he kept complaining he was aroused and in pain. Sent me a message later that said he was in pain all day. But he didn't force the issue at the time and was very respectful. We did sleep cuddled together.

Do you mean he wanted anal Curly......his def got bum issues by sounds of things.....hiding his and that...did you ever see his arse....

Curlyboop, I think THD is 'hot' is getting close to the truth........bum issues.....could be anal fissures or hemorrhoids in some form.

If he had a few ops.....or he had pain in his butt or he struggled to sit down and he had no other evident physiological or skeletal problem he might very well have heamorhoidds or an anal fissure. The scary part of anal fissures is that they can be caused by anal sex!!! and if he was asking for anal sex..... in this case it really muddies the waters (scuse the rude pun). Strawbs has already raised the big fat red flag about his befriending single vulnerable women with children. That's typical sexual deviant behaviour; find the weak links, create trust then reel in the victim. For me all the alarm bells would be ringing!!!! I would not touch this man with a barge pole with a host of health inspectors on the end. You are well rid of him. There are some wise owls on this site who have given you great advice.

Take care of yourself,
Nicks

Yup, he liked anal sex (giving, not receiving). I do think you are spot on about what was wrong with him physically. It would explain why he didn't want to talk about the operations. We showered together a few times ... randomly. But he usually locked me out of the bathroom. Maybe he had good days and bad days?

Once he told me had had something to explain to me but he wasn't sure exactly how he was going to do that. Then he said "he hates when that happens." He never told me every though I asked a few times.

Hi Curly,

Did he tell you he didn't like receiving anal? How did that come about?

Strawbs

He sounds so up his own arse ...........

Admin wrote:Hi Curly,

Did he tell you he didn't like receiving anal? How did that come about?

Strawbs

Hi Strawbs, I specified that bc of hyatum's post. He never asked me to strap one on. I don't think he did it much though. Not much technique.

As much as he hid his own ass, he had a thing for mine ...

I went through the board and I read posts from women who are smitten with Turkish men and the advice that was given to them. I was all of them at different times - the woman who just met this man who was so different than any other man (romantic, sensitive, caring, etc); the woman who wanted to know how to keep the man from drifting when they were apart. And, like me, they are convinced their relationship is different, their man is different and they trust him 100%. They didn't want to hear anything else. We all did the same things. Met the same way. Had the same anxieties. None of us bothered to ask why these men fished us out - women who live thousands of miles away - when their country is swimming with beautiful Turkish women. It should have raised a MAJOR flag but we wanted to believe we are different and special. We are just easy targets, women who are desperate for love and romance from an exotic foreign man. They set a wide net and we were the ones who bit. Nothing more than that.

The thing I know is ... It will never work with Judas - my new name for him. I don't think he set out to hurt me - that would imply he actually CARED for me and had a plan. He's not that diabolical, or clever or well thought out or anything. I was just one of many women who provided some sort of distraction or ego boost with little or no effort on his part. Did he ever suggest we meet up anywhere? NO! Did he send me cards on my birthday? NO! Did he ever say he wanted to be with me and would do anything to make it happen? NO. But I did. Anything that happened came because I pushed it. It's the same for all of the other women he is chatting up. We created an entire relationship out of nothing. Eventually, we wise up. If we start making demands or get mad or fed up, he moves on to the next one. We are all expendable. Interchangeable.

But he's done this before. Cut me off then come back without so much of an explanation. He'll contact me again. It might take awhile but he will. How do I know? He knows my weakness. He knows my capacity for forgiveness. He knows I am someone who doesn't ask for much.

But I am changing. I am stronger than I realize. Thank you for helping me get to this place.

Hi Curly

You are right...what you have been through is what many other foreign women have experienced. The modus operandi of the 'perpetrators' is very similar....just the setting is different and.... women can get 'fished' from bars, internet, street and beach!! Although I would say that internet 'fishing' is probably the most risky and possibly damaging.

It is human nature to want to be loved and wanted and..... in our very fast=paced western lives we are perhaps not used to the flattery, glibness and outward pouring of emotion of Turkish men!!! It can be very intoxicating..but as with all intoxicants it leaves you with horrible morning after!! especially the knowledge that you are not his only 'victim'.

However the fact that you have realized that the relationship exists in YOUR head and not his, should actually be very liberating... and I think writing down your thoughts with critical reflection and some brutally honest advice from this forum has enabled you to figure out what to do....as painful as it might be in the short term. Don't allow him the pleasure of being unhappy... You might be alone but you should not feel lonely.

Take care

Nicks

I do feel liberated! And I know without the tough love of you ladies (who took the time to post to someone they never met before - not to mention the PMs too) I would have moved heaven and earth to get this man back. I'm sure he was expecting that and I'm so glad I never gave him the satisfaction. And if he did come back, it would have been much, much worse.

It's time for me to work on ME. And even though I don't have a Turkish man anymore, I hope you don't mind if I stick around. Maybe I can help some woman who went through the same thing I did.

ETA: On the thread from the women with the gorgeous Turk, Strawb wrote (about her husband): unlike many Turkish men he holds women in high regard.

I'd love enlightenment on that!How do most Turkish men view women?

Your more than welcome to stay around...you got the experience and you seem a nice girl......

Thank you, Turkishheartdrop!

Another thing that hit me ... If I think I hurt someone, even a stranger, I AGONIZE over it - and I think that is the same for any decent human being. Judas saw me cry over him, he knew I cared for him (however irrational it was). He isn't a good man. A good man would CARE that he hurt me with his deception. He isn't a man of honor. A man of honor doesn't have women calling him out in public. He has been lucky. But his luck is going to run out. You reap what you sow.

I do want to get to a place where I can look back at my trip to Turkey with happiness. Truth be told, I was on my own for most of the time bc he was at work. I loved the beauty and history of this magical country, and I met so many fabulous people from around the world. And Turkish women could teach American women a thing or two about sisterhood. It was also the first time I had traveled alone. Knowing I could do it was a breakthrough for me.

Where did you stay Curly?.......sounds like youve learnt a lot from this so thats one positive!.....

Keep up the good work Curly! You are getting over this creep, well done you! yay!

Hes not fit to kiss the ground you walk on! remember that like a mantra.

Maria

curlyboop wrote:Thank you, Turkishheartdrop!

Another thing that hit me ... If I think I hurt someone, even a stranger, I AGONIZE over it - and I think that is the same for any decent human being. Judas saw me cry over him, he knew I cared for him (however irrational it was). He isn't a good man. A good man would CARE that he hurt me with his deception. He isn't a man of honor. A man of honor doesn't have women calling him out in public. He has been lucky. But his luck is going to run out. You reap what you sow.

I do want to get to a place where I can look back at my trip to Turkey with happiness. Truth be told, I was on my own for most of the time bc he was at work. I loved the beauty and history of this magical country, and I met so many fabulous people from around the world. And Turkish women could teach American women a thing or two about sisterhood. It was also the first time I had traveled alone. Knowing I could do it was a breakthrough for me.

You feel other peoples pain coz your normal hun, hes just subhuman. I am proud of you for getting over him!

Pipxoxo