New ... here is my story

Hello Curly

This must be sheer torture for you, some of these guys are masters at breaking vulnerable people's hearts. Also as you say you had a 'gut feeling', I am a great believer in gut feelings, but occasionally, the old gut feeling lets you down. We have all gone through life being let down by people/partners at some stage. Never ever call yourself a fool. You are NOT a fool. You are a survivor, a lady with the rest of her life ahead of her. You can make wise choices and poor choices, sometimes these are guided by 'gut feeling'. I wish I could wave a magic wand and make you feel better, really I do, but unfortunately it is impossible.

All I can say is that time is a great healer. Give yourself time to get over this trauma, pamper yourself, stop beating yourself up, its not your fault. The fault is within the behaviour displayed by this man, he owns that behaviour. He will never change. You deserve so much better than this scum bag. I know it is easy for me to tell you this as an outsider, I am not feeling your pain. But one thing I can assure you is you will survive and get through this, it will take time, but you will reflect back on this period in your life and thank your lucky stars that you have had a lucky escape. You cannot see it now as you are so upset and hurt, but I can see it for you.

Be kind to yourself and dont think of yourself as a fool again. A fool would have put up with this man.

Ruby

Thank you, Ruby. I'm proud of myself for confronting him about it. I just wish he had manned up and admitted it, instead of lying and saying she was just a business friend. And then saying I should have just ignored it and not asked him about it.

I know this is a blessing so that I could take off my stupid blinders.

Look, I'm sorry if I'm being thick here, but this quote of yours, Curly:



But I took someone at his word ... sometimes in life you have to believe and take chances.


What, actually, did you believe in?! And what were you taking chances on?! Had you walked into a Bookmakers and asked to put a bet on your chances of this relationship working they'd have given you odds of about 1,000,000/1! If that!

This man could hardly be bothered to meet up with you - even when he was in the US - he then IGNORED you and stopped taking your calls, and then left the US to fly back to Turkey without even saying goodbye to you!

And you wanted to believe in someone like that?! WHAT actually was there to believe in?!

He treated you SO badly in the US - yet you made all that effort (and at your expense, too!) to fly over to Turkey 'to try and get to know him better'! I'm sorry, but YOU chose to go and see a shitty liitle rat! What on earth were you expecting after his dreadful treatment of you? He never even said goodbye to you when he left the States! And he kept putting obstacles in the way and discouraging you from flying over to see him. YOU CHASED THIS MAN - and now you're suffering the condequences.

You say you were tired of trying to get to know him long distance - but why you were you bothering, anyway?! That statement of yours proves you didn't really know him properly - so you couldn't have had real deep feelings for him! And how exactly were you expecting to get to know him properly in just two weeks?! A two week holiday! You'd already spent three weeks with him in the States (though how frequently you saw him in those 3 weeks - I don't know...) but you din't get to know him, then, either - so what made you think you'd get to know him in another two weeks of being together?

As for saying you wouldn't be able to trust him now - I don't know how you trusted him in the first place!

And you don't need GUT FEELINGS (Helloooooooo!) to tell you that a man who suddenly stops taking your calls, ignores you, doesn't contact you in any shape and form, moves back to Turkey without saying Goodbye, has numerous women on his Facebook who he's clearly shagging, tells you that you shouldn't have snooped and looked and it's all YOUR fault, makes excises for you not to come and see him in Turkey, and then blocks you from his Facebook - you don't need GUT feelings to tell you - erm - something's not quite right! Duh!

You know, if I was walking down the street and a man put a gun to my head and demanded my purse I wouldn't need to rely on my fuckin' GUT feelings to realise he was dangerous!

Because YOU allowed this man to treat you so shabbily, and with such disrespect (he didn't even bother to say goodbye to you!) he knew he could get away with anything with you. I don't know what his reason was to add you to his Facebook, but it's highly likely he wanted to show off to the other women on there and let them think he had loads of women after him! THAT'S probably the real reason. You said he was a little, short fat thing (not very attractive) so I bet he was after an ego boost! These fruitcakes who are building shrines to him probably reside in mental hospitals - cos I can't see a normal woman wanting anything to do with him. He's fat, unattractive, selfish, a liar, and thoroughly unpleasant! You'd have to be lobotomised to find someone like that attractive! So anyone building a shrine to a fat little shit like that must clearly be deranged!

Curly, can you give us a link to one of these 'shrines'? Or show us a picture of him?

Strawbs

Strawbs - I know I was stupid. I know it. I posted here bc I needed to vent and because I know there are a lot of stories about some Turkish men. I was trying to find out some clues on his behavior. I know there are good ones but that is a fact.

We talked on the phone and via skype constantly - at tleast twice a week for an hour or more. On Valentine's Day, we'd have a cyber meal together. It took him a long time to tell me he loved me. I'm just telling you these things for some context. I did feel like I got to know him. That turned out not to be true but it's what I felt.

I'm not going to post his photo or links to the shrines. First, someone might know him here. And second, her shrine is a blog and you can see where people are clicking from. I don't want him to know I'm talking about him still.

Curly what was the last thing he said to you....did he tell you it was over or just blank you.........

In his last note to me, first he said that he did see this woman in Istanbul but it was for business (if you saw her photos and read her blog, you know this was not true!) and it isn't his fault she has feelings for him. He then said he was going to "kick her ass" for posting these things and making people think they were together.

He then said I don't trust him and I think he is a liar and there can't be a relationship without trust. So he is done. He said I always made him smile and he wished me a happy life.

Strawbs: this is the last line of my first post - "Of course I feel like the biggest idiot on earth for ignoring the red flags. I must say his response to me had me question my sanity. I mean … he CRIED after sex and at the airport when I was leaving. I don't get it ..."

Hi Curlyboop

I've come to your story late but my thoughts, for what they're worth, are that like a lot of these internet chancers this man has simply been on an internet fishing expedition and is keeping his options open - you, this other woman and probably many more besides that neither one of you are aware of.

I totally agree with Strawbs here; if he's internet fishing while he's in Turkey he's looking for a way out of there and if he's internet fishing while he's temporarily in another country he's either looking for opportunities for casual sex with benefits (i.e, free food, time spent in comfortable surroundings, getting his laundry done etc) or a way to stay there legally long term.

Do you know why he left the States and went back to Turkey? He's more than likely working on a plan to settle in another country - which could be anywhere, after all with the power of the internet the world is his oyster. The States, the UK, Australia, New Zealand, Northern European countries - all favoured destinations of men like him who are desperate to escape their own countries. Don't expect any of them to tell you they hate Turkey though. It's quite usual for them to have "good jobs" in their own countries, or to be "well educated". They don't want to raise any red flags.

So what if he cried after having sex with you and when the two of you parted at the airport? I don't think you should read too much into that to be honest. Some of these hard-bitten chancers are consummate actors. They can lay it on with a trowel and it's nothing for them to keep up a pretence for several years until they achieve the goals they set themselves. Sites like this are littered with tales of women who have been "treated like princesses" only to be dumped from a great height once they are deemed to have outlasted their usefulness. I think you're hanging on to his crying because you want desperately to believe that you genuinely touched his life and his heart in some way. However, sadly, I think you know deep down that this is not true.

I'd resolve to make tomorrow the first day of the rest of your life if I were you. Forget this nasty little man and move on.

curlyboop wrote:In his last note to me, first he said that he did see this woman in Istanbul but it was for business (if you saw her photos and read her blog, you know this was not true!) and it isn't his fault she has feelings for him. He then said he was going to "kick her ass" for posting these things and making people think they were together.

He then said I don't trust him and I think he is a liar and there can't be a relationship without trust. So he is done. He said I always made him smile and he wished me a happy life.

Strawbs: this is the last line of my first post - "Of course I feel like the biggest idiot on earth for ignoring the red flags. I must say his response to me had me question my sanity. I mean … he CRIED after sex and at the airport when I was leaving. I don't get it ..."

Hi Curly,

Firstly, I want to say that I agree with everything Judith's said to you - which probably echoed what I'd already said, anyway.

From what you're saying in the above message, it seems as though you're trying to cling on to any little signs that he may have been genuine - but you're ignoring the very obvious and glaring signs that proves he wasn't.

Remember : words are cheap. It's actions that really speak.

Regarding the woman in Istanbul - his reaction is typical rat behaviour - and he's not a very sophisticated one, either. His explanation to you is so ridiculous that it's an insult to your intelligence. Either he's stupid to think you'd believe such crap, or he thinks you're fool enough to believe anything he tells you.

We've already gone through the post-coital crying - and there's one of two reasons he did that. Either it was a reaction to the release of pent-up frustration (some people can cry after sex) but more often than not - it's caused by a sudden feeling of guilt. I don't want to make you feel worse, but some men will fantasise about another woman (or a past love) when having sex, and after the act the realisation that they haven't made love with that other woman makes them feel very emotional and sad. I can't say for sure that that's the reason he cried, but whatever the reason was, it wasn't because he was madly in-love with you - if that were the case he wouldn't have treated you so badly the rest of the time : ignored you - blocked you from his Facebook - left the US without saying Goodbye.....

Lots of people like to have a cop-out when they want to end a relationship, and the easiest ones for cowards are the old chestnuts such as 'I'm not good enough for you'. They pretend they're ending things for YOUR own good - but that's just so they can walk away without feeling riddled with guilt for having used you. So when he said you don't trust him and "there can't be a relationship without trust" he's saying that as an excuse to drop you. If he really wanted to be with you, Curly, he would do everything in his power to make you trust him!


Probably the most revealing part - which shows his lack of feelings for you - is when he wished you a happy life. There's no passion, regret, sadness, anger, pain - nothing. The opposite of love is not hate - it's indifference. And that remark he made you wishing you a happy life shows just how indifferent he is to you.

I know this is all painful for you, but you need to keep it in context. He wasn't the great love of your life, you spent SO little time together, and as painful as it all may seem to you right now - it's far better you move on now - than carry on wasting months (maybe years!) of your life on someone who doesn't care about you - and doesn't want to be with you.

By the way, regarding the crying at the airport - lots of men (especially Turkish men) are very good at turning on the waterworks. They just do what actors do when they have to cry for a scene : they think of something terribly sad that happened to them in the past - and the tears start flowing quite easily once they work their emotions up (and he sounds the emotional type, too) Surely you've seen those judges in things like the X-Factor, who start weeping when some giant pimple starts singing a ballad (dedicated to their dead grandmother) and the female judge gives little sobs while carefully wiping her tears away (so as not to smudge her mascara)? You watch the judges expression before they start crying and you can see how they're reflecting back to a sad time in their own lives to try to squeeze the tears out. That's what Turks do at the airport.

It begins with a vacant faraway look......

Strawb

How did you eat a cyber meal together Curly?
Did you have the same food?


Sal x

This post hit me like a ton of bricks ... WOW

Regarding the woman in Istanbul - his reaction is typical rat behaviour - and he's not a very sophisticated one, either. His explanation to you is so ridiculous that it's an insult to your intelligence. Either he's stupid to think you'd believe such crap, or he thinks you're fool enough to believe anything he tells you.

It was truly unbelievable. I have eyes. I don't know why he even bothered. It's not like he cared what I thought or felt. Maybe it was one last mind game to make me to question my sanity.

We've already gone through the post-coital crying - and there's one of two reasons he did that. Either it was a reaction to the release of pent-up frustration (some people can cry after sex) but more often than not - it's caused by a sudden feeling of guilt. I don't want to make you feel worse, but some men will fantasise about another woman (or a past love) when having sex, and after the act the realisation that they haven't made love with that other woman makes them feel very emotional and sad. I can't say for sure that that's the reason he cried, but whatever the reason was, it wasn't because he was madly in-love with you - if that were the case he wouldn't have treated you so badly the rest of the time : ignored you - blocked you from his Facebook - left the US without saying Goodbye..

.

He seemed present in sex - called me by my name and eye contact BUT he had weird hang-ups. Sch as never let me see him naked for very long (slept in and walked around in a towel - even if he hadn't taken a shower); lights out (I had to negotiate for TV lighting); not always willing to let himself get carried away by the moment. He certainly wasn't an adventurous or giving lover.

ots of people like to have a cop-out when they want to end a relationship, and the easiest ones for cowards are the old chestnuts such as 'I'm not good enough for you'. They pretend they're ending things for YOUR own good - but that's just so they can walk away without feeling riddled with guilt for having used you. So when he said you don't trust him and "there can't be a relationship without trust" he's saying that as an excuse to drop you. If he really wanted to be with you, Curly, he would do everything in his power to make you trust him!


Probably the most revealing part - which shows his lack of feelings for you - is when he wished you a happy life. There's no passion, regret, sadness, anger, pain - nothing. The opposite of love is not hate - it's indifference. And that remark he made you wishing you a happy life shows just how indifferent he is to you.

BINGO! I was disposable to him. The fact that he sent this note then cut me off showed he had no investment in me. If he cared - even if he thought I was accusing him unfairly - he would have kept the lines of communication open.

By the way, regarding the crying at the airport - lots of men (especially Turkish men) are very good at turning on the waterworks. They just do what actors do when they have to cry for a scene : they think of something terribly sad that happened to them in the past - and the tears start flowing quite easily once they work their emotions up (and he sounds the emotional type, too) Surely you've seen those judges in things like the X-Factor, who start weeping when some giant pimple starts singing a ballad (dedicated to their dead grandmother) and the female judge gives little sobs while carefully wiping her tears away (so as not to smudge her mascara)? You watch the judges expression before they start crying and you can see how they're reflecting back to a sad time in their own lives to try to squeeze the tears out. That's what Turks do at the airport.

It begins with a vacant faraway look......

I also think I was looking at this through the eyes of my culture. Men don't cry. Period. That's why it touched me so deeply. But you knew exactly what happened. That vacant look ... WOW.

Reflecting, he came into my life when I was in turmoil. I lost three people who were very close to me, I was unhappy with work ... he didn't do much, but he gave me affection I needed. As I said before, I was always a pretty shallow person, always going for the hot guys. I wasn't attracted to him very much but I liked his personality so I thought I should change my ways since they never brought me happiness. That's probably why I overlooked my gut ... because I was fighting my nature.

I was definitely the better looking of the two of us. And, not to sound full of myself, the women I know he's been with are very plain. He isn't a man with options. He isn't charming, clever or anything. He's just someone who can zero in on a woman with low self-esteem or who is emotionally vulnerable. I'm sure he hits on a lot of women ... we are just the ones who responded to his advances.

I know he is still online dating because I dipped my toe back in and who shows up as one of my matches (he lies and says he is in NYC, btw) ... I guess it makes me feel better in some childish way that the woman who was publicly bragging about her wonderful relationship with him wasn't the ONE either. It would have made me terrible to think what he said to her was true.

My sadness and anger are ebbing .. I pity him. What a messed up person he must be to treat people this way. But you live and you learn - I won't be that stupid next time and I won't ignore giant red flags. In the end, he got much more out of me than I ever got from him. And what I got, wasn't so great.

Thank you all for this journey into myself.

SozzledSally wrote:How did you eat a cyber meal together Curly?
Did you have the same food?


Sal x

It sounds silly now but we did it through skype. We prepared meals with wine, and sat across from each other.

Every one has given you spot on advice about this guy, he sounds like your regular visa geezer, woman user, self obsessed, pathetic, cheating, lying, scum Turk


To do the meal together sounds a bit daft, laugh at your stupidness and make sure you learn from it dont get involved with a guy that is like that again

One thing is for sure those tears was not for you.

Much better of without a man like that

AMEN!!!! When I give my heart again, it will be to the right man.

curlyboop wrote:

SozzledSally wrote:How did you eat a cyber meal together Curly?
Did you have the same food?


Sal x

It sounds silly now but we did it through skype. We prepared meals with wine, and sat across from each other.

Hi Curly,

Did you both make the same meal? I'm just curious.

Actually, what would be useful on Skype would be to do a wine tasting together! You could both buy half a dozen bottles of the exact same wine and have a wine-tasting evening! I think that could be fun, and you could always do a cheeseboard with crackers etc. I don't mean with this Turkish man - but if you had, say, a close friend/relative living far away or abroad you could make a little wine-tasting party on Skype ; maybe invite a few more people from around the globe, too?

Strawbs

you serious...........

So, I decided to post the links to the online photo album the woman made of them. Unfortunately, she locked up her Twitter and blog - I guess he somehow sweet talked her into doing it. Check out the last two ... does this LOOK like a business trip?


I pulled the links bc I'm always paranoid she can tell where people are coming from. Don't want her to find this thread and tell him.

I am going to poof after a few hours I think. He looks ok in some of the pictures but it's the way she looks at him .. ho w I would look if I was with Brad Pitt. Please be brutally honest about what you see.

Re: Skype. It is a cute way to stay in touch with people. We didn't always eat the same things as I am a more adventurous eater.

Totally agree with Strawbs here; if he's internet fishing while he's in Turkey he's looking for a way out of there and if he's internet fishing while he's temporarily in another country he's either looking for opportunities for casual sex with benefits (i.e, free food, time spent in comfortable surroundings, getting his laundry done etc) or a way to stay there legally long term.

Do you know why he left the States and went back to Turkey? He's more than likely working on a plan to settle in another country - which could be anywhere, after all with the power of the internet the world is his oyster. The States, the UK, Australia, New Zealand, Northern European countries - all favoured destinations of men like him who are desperate to escape their own countries. Don't expect any of them to tell you they hate Turkey though. It's quite usual for them to have "good jobs" in their own countries, or to be "well educated". They don't want to raise any red flags.

He left the US bc he was only here on a temporary visa (he has completed his military service if that makes any difference). From what I understand, they are expensive and hard to get. I said he's applied since and has been rejected. From what I can piece together, he got one to be with the woman in Puerto Rico, stayed there for three weeks and then came to NY. That woman would have married him and so would the woman he met before me ... so I don't think he was looking for an easy visa - although he had mentioned a few times he was looking for a way to stay and talked about being "stuck" in Turkey. But if he is in fact looking for a visa to the US, why is he wasting time with this woman from Indonesia? Would he want to live there?

He was out of work for a long time before he got the job he has now. He doesn't work in the tourism industry. He's a manager of a very popular hot spot in the business district (he gave me his card in case I needed to reach him during the day).

He's on a lot of dating sites and I think I mentioned, he lists his location as Manhattan on many of them and also on Facebook. I know some dating sites ban people from Turkey from registering - too many scams.

I know that I keep looking for a clue that he even liked me a little bit. I have to stop that.

Hi Curly,

Where does this woman originate from? She looks Polynesian or something?

Is that her laying on the bed with two children? She looks very fat in that picture, so if it is her she's certainly got very low self-esteem.

You're right - he's not attractive at all. In fact, I think he's got a very mean, evil-looking face. Thin and hard, and his eyes are cruel-looking, too. Can I ask what you found attractive about him? Did he have some kind of charisma or something?

Going by those photo's you can see she's totally obsessed with him, and that's not just a business relationship! However, he doesn't look smitten with her at all, in fact he looks disinterested. Check his body language.

The only person he loves is himself by the sound of things.

Strawbs

Turkishheartdrop wrote:you serious...........

Hi THD,

Yes, I am serious! I think that could be quite fun having a wine tasting or something, I really do. I have Skype (as does Ertie, of course, for business) and it's also nice to chat to friends/relatives abroad.

Of course, it's not like actually being with someone, but to catch up with friends and things it is good.

I couldn't fall in love with someone through Skype, though. You need to be in physical content to fall in love, but it's still nice to keep in contact on Skype.

Strawbs

Strawbs, you made my day.

She's Indonesian. That is her in all the pictures. I'm not sure if those are her children. She's 29 so it is possible. He seems to have a lot of single mothers as "friends."

You are right about his body language. Even when he is turned towards her, his eyes are still looking at the camera. She is actively courting him. I don't know what possessed her to make a collage or take a photo of the pictures she has of him in her house. One other thing about him. He had all these vacation albums on FB and he is the only person in the pictures. So, who was the photographer??? I'm sure these pictures she posted made him pretty angry.

When I first met him, he seemed really interested in getting to know me and made an effort to spend time with me. He even spent his birthday with me. I wasn't wildly attracted to his looks but I thought he seemed sweet.

Admin wrote:Hi Curly,

Where does this woman originate from? She looks Polynesian or something?

Is that her laying on the bed with two children? She looks very fat in that picture, so if it is her she's certainly got very low self-esteem.

You're right - he's not attractive at all. In fact, I think he's got a very mean, evil-looking face. Thin and hard, and his eyes are cruel-looking, too. Can I ask what you found attractive about him? Did he have some kind of charisma or something?

Going by those photo's you can see she's totally obsessed with him, and that's not just a business relationship! However, he doesn't look smitten with her at all, in fact he looks disinterested. Check his body language.

The only person he loves is himself by the sound of things.

Strawbs

Strawbs the womans Indonesian, you dont always read the posts on here lately.
Who do I complain to about it?
Only joking..just thought Id mention it

Pol x

That fat bird on the bed with those two children reminds me of those pair in East is East who were 'promised' to the Asian lads in the film, thats of course until the one lad returns from art class and his project (the hairy vagina) ends up on someone's head

Seriously Curly, it took some courage to post up those links. Get him out of your system, stop dwelling on this loser and find a local guy who can treat you with the respect you deserve. You are wasting head space and energy on a tosser.

Ruby

Pollypecker wrote:

Admin wrote:Hi Curly,

Where does this woman originate from? She looks Polynesian or something?

Is that her laying on the bed with two children? She looks very fat in that picture, so if it is her she's certainly got very low self-esteem.

You're right - he's not attractive at all. In fact, I think he's got a very mean, evil-looking face. Thin and hard, and his eyes are cruel-looking, too. Can I ask what you found attractive about him? Did he have some kind of charisma or something?

Going by those photo's you can see she's totally obsessed with him, and that's not just a business relationship! However, he doesn't look smitten with her at all, in fact he looks disinterested. Check his body language.

The only person he loves is himself by the sound of things.

Strawbs

Strawbs the womans Indonesian, you dont always read the posts on here lately.
Who do I complain to about it?
Only joking..just thought Id mention it

Pol x

Hi Pol,

I'm busy, lately, so I've been darting in and out! lol You're right, though, I do sometimes 'miss' a post. I'll have to scold myself!

Anyway, Indonesians and Polynesians look very similar!

I'm going back to re-read the post and look at Curly's latest one.

Strawbs

Totally off topic and please excuse my interuption Curly, Strawbs, would your cheeseboard contain any stale or out of date very expensive quality British cheese which has been donated free by any chance? Whilst nibbling the contents of the cheeseboard, you could also grab yourself a free book and have a good old read at the expensive of other people.

Ruby

curlyboop wrote:Strawbs, you made my day.

She's Indonesian. That is her in all the pictures. I'm not sure if those are her children. She's 29 so it is possible. He seems to have a lot of single mothers as "friends."

You are right about his body language. Even when he is turned towards her, his eyes are still looking at the camera. She is actively courting him. I don't know what possessed her to make a collage or take a photo of the pictures she has of him in her house. One other thing about him. He had all these vacation albums on FB and he is the only person in the pictures. So, who was the photographer??? I'm sure these pictures she posted made him pretty angry.

When I first met him, he seemed really interested in getting to know me and made an effort to spend time with me. He even spent his birthday with me. I wasn't wildly attracted to his looks but I thought he seemed sweet.

Hi Curly,


I need to re-read through some of your latest posts, as there's quite a few things I'd like to comment on. I'll have to do it in an hour or so (need to go to the shops) but I will be back very soon.

I do want to comment because I think this man seems very strange........

Later.

Strawbs