katrinagem wrote:Hi! Thanks Ruby for the heads up, I'll remember to do that from now on. What's the definition of frustration? Watching 500 words vanish into cyberspace! Aaargh - never again!
Right, let's start again. First off thanks to everyone for the advice, but what do I have to say to get an answer to my question? More frustration! At least you've understood my story and stopped confusing me with your other member, so we're getting there. Slowly at least.
I love this man of mine, I can't say it simpler than that. So no amount of telling me I'm crazy to love him is going to stop my feelings for him deepening. I know what he feels for me too, just like you all did when you met your loves. Not one of you has been able to tell me the difference between me and you? Why is my relationship doomed (according to you) but your relationships weren't? Why? Tell me why? Cos I sure as hell do not understand!
Is it so difficult to offer me advice on how to keep his interest while we're apart? You must have some tricks up your sleeves, I'm convinced of that. You know how hard it is when you're separated and the distance rips me apart sometimes, I ache to hold him and touch him, it seems so unfair! Can you imagine how heartbroken I'd be if due to the miles separating us he drifted away from me into the arms of some floozy? How would you feel had that happened to you?
Please, all I'm asking you for is some advice! How do I keep him from straying?
Hi Katrinagem,
I'm sure you do feel that you love this man, but from what you've told us previously you haven't spent that long with him. I'm sorry, but I don't accept or believe that true love can develop in such a short space of time. Infatutaion, lust, desire - yes - that can all be very heady and consuming - but as quickly as it develops it fades, too - especially when you're apart. I think you're idealising this man and most of your feelings for him are inside your own head. If you truly LOVED him, and believed he loved you, as Judith rightly says, you wouldn't even consider the prospect he might stray - you would know he wouldn't.
I'm not sure if I said your relationship with this man is doomed, but going by the statistics (which are abysmally low) most relationships of this kind do fail eventually - and with your anxiety and neediness as it is right now - I don't see it as a healthy relationship.
You seem to worry incessantly about him being 'stolen' by some floosy - but if you really thought he loved you - that wouldn't even enter your mind. When you love someone - it doesn't matter how far apart you are - that love binds you together - and nothing in the world can break it. Certainly not a floosy!
As for you asking why our relationships are different to yours - there isn't a straightforward answer to that. But there are some things I can tell you about my relationship (in particular the start of it) that differs to yours in many ways. Yes, Ertie is Turkish and I met him in Turkey. When I first met him I was very attracted to him and enjoyed his company, but I didn't become all-consumed with him - our relationship only developed because we spent so much time together. I was fortunate that I could do that, I know that, but I can't imagine pining for him in those early days like you are now. And when at first we did spend some time apart (albeit not much) we did keep in regular contact by phone etc - but I still continued with my life at home. I went out with my friends - and yes - I did like his text messages etc when I was out - but I didn't stop living, simply because we were apart. For all I knew, he could have been a loverat (though I felt he wasn't - and I was proved right) but at the time I didn't know for sure if he was one or not. How I dealt with those very early days was, I had a kind of 'que sera sera' attitude - and if he was going to go off with someone else - there wasn't a thing I could do about it while I was in London and he was in Turkey!
You need to learn how to 'let go' a little bit. If he wants you as much as you want him - he will wait for you. It's true that his head could be turned and he could be tempted by another woman - but that's the choice you've made by entering a relationship with someone who lives thousands of miles away from you. Long distance relationships are never easy - there's always obstacles and compromises that need to be overcome, but at this stage of your relationship I wouldn't even look that far ahead. Enjoy what you have - even though you're apart - and meanwhile, carry on living your life until you go over there and see him again.
There's absolutely nothing else you can do, but wait to see how time tells. And it will.
Strawbs