Turkish Chatter

Discussion group for all women with Turkish men in their lives


    Question for a friend: Turks and arranged marriage

    Share
    avatar
    curlyboop

    Posts : 97
    Points : 117
    Reputation : 6
    Join date : 2011-10-29

    Question for a friend: Turks and arranged marriage

    Post  curlyboop on Sun Apr 29, 2012 12:53 am

    Hi ladies!

    I hope everyone is A-OK!! As I mentioned, I've been chatting with a woman who is in the clutches of a love rat. I've been telling her to come here but she is really nervous that he will find her. I've been trying to help her as much as I can but as you know, it can be like being on a runaway train without breaks. She told me her rat said something to her that sounded off to me. I'm hoping you can share some guidance/wisdom that I can pass along.

    The rat's sister has an arranged marriage. She didn't even date her husband before they were married. The rat told her that his family had arranged a marriage for him and while he and the woman fell in love, it didn't work because she was extremely jealous and she went through his phone and saw messages to his female cousin that she thought were to another woman. He also mentioned that her family had a lot of money.

    It sounded to me like he was giving my friend a Western explanation as to why he and this woman didn't get married. But if his family is traditional enough to arrange marriages, I can't imagine they can be broken off like that. He's 36 btw and this happened when he was in his 20s. I also know that I could just be on high alert now and this isn't unusual at all.
    avatar
    ruby

    Posts : 1164
    Points : 1651
    Reputation : 98
    Join date : 2011-07-17
    Age : 103

    Re: Question for a friend: Turks and arranged marriage

    Post  ruby on Sun Apr 29, 2012 6:26 am

    Hi Curly

    Its only natural for you to be on 'high altert' as you put it following your unpleasant experience with your rat.

    As for your friend, well it all sounds rather fishy if you ask me. If the rat's family are traditional and they arranged his marriage when he was in his 20's, I would bet my bottom dollar that he is actually married to this woman. In all probability they also have children together especially as he is now 36, at this age in Turkey if you're not married with children, then you will be considered by the locals as 'the only gay in the willage' Laughing . Gossip spreads like wildfire in these close knit communities, believe me sunny

    What is the attraction with your friend to this loverat? I can never understand why someone would want a guy who they are unable to trust. Does she go over to Turkey to see him, how do they communicate, what's his English like? We really need to know a bit more background information, but my gut feeling is he's up to no good and maybe fishing for a Green Card - the fact he mentioned his 'ex's' family had money is probably a red herring to make your friend feel he's not after her for dosh, well tell her money and green card are on the top of his agenda.

    Ruby
    avatar
    curlyboop

    Posts : 97
    Points : 117
    Reputation : 6
    Join date : 2011-10-29

    Re: Question for a friend: Turks and arranged marriage

    Post  curlyboop on Sun Apr 29, 2012 12:32 pm

    Hi Ruby,

    Thanks for your response!

    Her situation is similar to mine in that she met him when he was in the US on a temp visa. Since he went back, she has been to see him twice. She met and stayed with his family for a month. They seemed to like her and asked her many questions when she was there: can they come visit when they settle in the US (they had already decided they would live in the US when they were married)? Are they going to have children? Will she convert to Islam? Can she make all of his favorite dishes?

    He lives in Sefakoy with his family and they also have another house that they built themselves where they live in the summer. He is a manager at a high end restaurant in Istanbul. He was also a ranger in the Army (not sure if that means anything but I thought I'd toss it in!). His English is very good and she said he speaks some Spanish, Italian and French as well. They communicate on Skype mostly and email.

    The other thing that I found odd is that he had told her that recently his family wanted to arrange a marriage for him (which is why I believe the first one was arranged too) but he wanted to marry for love. That's when they became "engaged," she flew to visit him and stayed with his family, and he introduced her as his fiance. I don't know ... could he be using her to avoid getting married?


    Admin
    Admin

    Posts : 1570
    Points : 2722
    Reputation : 695
    Join date : 2011-04-24

    Re: Question for a friend: Turks and arranged marriage

    Post  Admin on Wed May 02, 2012 6:58 pm



    Sorry I didn't reply sooner.

    Firstly, a great big alarm bell sounded in my head when you wrote that this man mentioned his fiancee's family had a lot of money : when someone mentions something like that it's a huge pointer that they're money motivated!

    I'm not sure or not if he's ever been married before, but as Ruby says, if a Turkish man is still unmarried in his late 20s it is very unusual. Having said that, it could be true that the engagement was broken off - I know of a couple of Turkish men whose engagements came to an end and were either dumped by their fiancee - or they dumped them. So it could be possible he's telling the truth on that one - though his excuses for why the engagement ended sound very flimsy to me. If they were genuinely in love and she gor jealous over a misunderstanding (which he's claiming it was - the texts were to his cousin, AHEM) then he could have very easily cleared that one up. Couldn't he?! I suspect there's more to it than that, and he's only given your friend part of the story - more than likely he was caught cheating on the fiancee - which means he couldn't have been that in love with her..........

    It does seem a sauce, though, that his family gave your friend the Spanish Inquisition about her cooking skills etc - and also have the cheek to expect that they'll all decamp to the US too - providing she makes good boreks! It sounds more like they were interviewing her for the position of Housekeeper, Breeder and Provider!

    Back to him........this thing he says about he only wants to marry for love - why has he never been able to meet a Turkish woman to fall in love with? It would be ideal - a Turkish woman!

    How did your friend actually meet this man? If he fished her off the Internet you can bet your bottom dollar he was looking for a foreign bride. Some of these men cast their nets very wide, and they wait until the most lucrative fish comes along. In HIS world (being Turkish, living in Turkey) the most obvious choice for him would be to marry a Turkish woman. They have the same culture, religion, and he doesn't need a visa to take her for a kebab!

    How many times has your friend met him?

    Strawbs



    avatar
    curlyboop

    Posts : 97
    Points : 117
    Reputation : 6
    Join date : 2011-10-29

    Re: Question for a friend: Turks and arranged marriage

    Post  curlyboop on Wed May 02, 2012 10:18 pm

    Hi Strawbs,

    I got some answers to your questions from my friend (still trying to her to post here!).

    They met in January 2009 (yes, online!!!) when he was in the US and dated until his visa expired at the end of June 2009. She said they were normal dates - going out to dinner and a movie, or staying home and cooking together. He had been in the US for a year total and went back to Turkey after six months to get an extension. He tried to get additional time when he went back in June but they told him no and he was "stuck" there - his words. He said he had applied for a visa to go back several times but kept getting turned down so she has gone to see him twice, both visits for a month.

    He didn't tell her he loved her until he was back in Turkey. She said that after that, he started to change a bit. The frequency of his calls dropped a lot and he would disappear for weeks at a time without an explanation. When she asked, he'd say the internet connection was bad or he was really busy at work (she said sometimes he worked 18 hour days) - and he also used the old hospital story. He also started to get mad at her for stupid things - he would yell, not talk to her for days then return like nothing ever happened. She chalks this up to cultural differences.

    You brought up Turkish women, Strawbs, and I have an observation. I'll be talking to my friend or other women on love rat boards and I'll say that I should have been suspicious that asshat went after me (an American) knowing how hard long distance relationships are, over women from his own country. What I've noticed is a lot of Western women talk down about Turkish women - they're too materialistic, they're too jealous, they're repressed blah blah blah. First of all, most of the women I met in Turkey were LOVELY. Went above and beyond to help me, a lost tourist. And second, I know these Western women are saying these things to justify a man's suspicious behavior. Like you said, they share culture, religion - and they are geographically desirable! Ahh .. the things we tell ourselves!
    avatar
    ruby

    Posts : 1164
    Points : 1651
    Reputation : 98
    Join date : 2011-07-17
    Age : 103

    Re: Question for a friend: Turks and arranged marriage

    Post  ruby on Thu May 03, 2012 7:34 am

    Hi Curly

    I going to respond to you using some of your quotes.

    Since he went back, she has been to see him twice. She met and stayed with his family for a month. They seemed to like her and asked her many questions when she was there: can they come visit when they settle in the US (they had already decided they would live in the US when they were married)? Are they going to have children? Will she convert to Islam? Can she make all of his favorite dishes?

    What an absolute cheek this family have. How about he converts to her religion and as he is a Manager of a 'high end' restaurant in Istanbul, he can prepare your friend HER favourite dishes Shocked

    They communicate on Skype mostly and email.

    This is not an ideal situation, especially long term and cannot be classified as a 'relationship'.

    The other thing that I found odd is that he had told her that recently his family wanted to arrange a marriage for him (which is why I believe the first one was arranged too) but he wanted to marry for love. That's when they became "engaged," she flew to visit him and stayed with his family, and he introduced her as his fiance. I don't know ... could he be using her to avoid getting married?

    If his family are arranging another marriage for him, then there is something clearly not right here. Sounds like he might bat for both sides. Evil or Very Mad Also, if they were taking your friend seriously, it begs the question as to WHY are they arranging a marriage when he is supposed to be 'in love' already and his family have plans of plonking their arses on US soil Razz

    They met in January 2009 (yes, online!!!) when he was in the US and dated until his visa expired at the end of June 2009. She said they were normal dates - going out to dinner and a movie, or staying home and cooking together. He had been in the US for a year total and went back to Turkey after six months to get an extension. He tried to get additional time when he went back in June but they told him no and he was "stuck" there - his words. He said he had applied for a visa to go back several times but kept getting turned down so she has gone to see him twice, both visits for a month.

    Sounds familiar, did he work as an illegal pizza delivery driver by any chance Question Your friend needs to take off her rose tinted specs and realise he is only after a Green Card.

    He didn't tell her he loved her until he was back in Turkey. She said that after that, he started to change a bit. The frequency of his calls dropped a lot and he would disappear for weeks at a time without an explanation. When she asked, he'd say the internet connection was bad or he was really busy at work (she said sometimes he worked 18 hour days) - and he also used the old hospital story. He also started to get mad at her for stupid things - he would yell, not talk to her for days then return like nothing ever happened. She chalks this up to cultural differences.

    Your friend must have an extremely low self esteem to put up with this crap off this Turd. She sounds barking mad and so does he. Tell her to tell him to '₤UCK OFF'. She needs to get a real life, is she really that desperate to want a sulking, hostile, anti-social, unpredicatable prick who treats her like shit?

    Ruby

    Admin
    Admin

    Posts : 1570
    Points : 2722
    Reputation : 695
    Join date : 2011-04-24

    Re: Question for a friend: Turks and arranged marriage

    Post  Admin on Thu May 03, 2012 8:05 am

    Hi Curly,

    First BIG problem is they met online Mad

    Now, if for instance they met through a fee-paying dating site - and more importantly - were seeking someone LOCAL - that would be normal. But when a foreign man starts trying to woo a woman who lives thousands of miles away from him (and where he has no chance of sharing a kebab with her without a visa) it SCREECHES - VISA HUNTER!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Think about it.......

    OK, in your friend's case he was still in the US - BUT he knew his VISA was expiring! Ding dong!

    Him saying he was 'stuck' in Turkey speaks volumes. For two reasons:

    Why would he feel 'stuck' at home?

    And secondly - if he really loved your friend and he couldn't leave Turkey - and he thought your friend loved him - he would assume she would move to Turkey so they wouldn't be apart....

    The reason he cooled off and no longer contacted her so much, was because - he didn't want to. No ifs no buts. He has a phone, Internet access/cafes......if you're up in space you can get a message through. So there is no excuse whatsoever. If a man suddenly stops contacting you (or a woman for that matter) it's because THEY DO NOT WANT TO SPEAK TO YOU. Or worse - because they haven't even THOUGHT of you.

    It sounds to me as though he could see his visa becoming less and less probable, and so had no need to keep in contact with her. Curly, you know yourself, when a person is in love/infatuated with someone - they can't stop thinking about them. That person of their desire is on their mind CONSTANTLY - and they have to force themselves to STOP phoning/pestering them.

    Of course, when a visa-hunter knows he is on to a good bet he will indeed behave like a man obsessed : constantly phoning/texting etc - they have do do that to try to make the woman believe they're besotted.... but this man knows his chances of a visa are slight - hence the lack of contact and interest. If he thought he could never see her again due to the visa situation - and he REALLY loved her - he would be even MORE desperate to stop her from forgetting him.....

    As for the yelling and not talking to her for days on end (or weeks) - read above. I'm going to be blunt here : supposing your friend was seriously ill or something awful happened - does she seriously think it's NORMAL and ACCEPTABLE for this man to IGNORE her for weeks on end? Hellooooo????!!!! Does she thinks it's mature, rational behaviour?

    Must dash - I'll be back with more










    avatar
    ruby

    Posts : 1164
    Points : 1651
    Reputation : 98
    Join date : 2011-07-17
    Age : 103

    Re: Question for a friend: Turks and arranged marriage

    Post  ruby on Thu May 03, 2012 8:57 am

    Oh and I forgot to mention that my wealthy friend Mehmet told me about some of the loverats he knows.

    The first was an associate of his who planned to divorce his Turkish wife, marry a UK woman, get his ILR, divorce her and remarry his Turkish wife and bring her over to the UK - simples, and believe it or not, this rat's plans are well under way.

    The second revalation Mehmet told me about was a 'friend' of his who married a disabled woman from Ireland in order to get out of Turkey. I asked Mehmet if his friend 'loved' the woman, Mehmet told me 'of course not' and laughed. It was just a way out and as soon as he got his freedom he was off like a shot.

    Your friend's rat has/had an agenda which is fading like a sun tan.

    Ruby
    avatar
    curlyboop

    Posts : 97
    Points : 117
    Reputation : 6
    Join date : 2011-10-29

    Re: Question for a friend: Turks and arranged marriage

    Post  curlyboop on Thu May 03, 2012 9:25 am

    Thank you so much Strawbs and Ruby! She had bought a ticket yesterday to go see him but I'm happy to say that after I shared your posts with her (with some slight editing of course!) she cancelled the ticket - the airline has a 24 hour cancellation policy thankfully. So she may not be out of the woods yet but it is a HUGE step.

    Ruby:

    If his family are arranging another marriage for him, then there is something clearly not right here. Sounds like he might bat for both sides.


    How do I put this without being indelicate - she said when they are intimate 75% of the time he preferred an alternate act.

    You know, I said to her: you already know how things are going to wind up with this guy. We always do.

    Admin
    Admin

    Posts : 1570
    Points : 2722
    Reputation : 695
    Join date : 2011-04-24

    Re: Question for a friend: Turks and arranged marriage

    Post  Admin on Thu May 03, 2012 6:48 pm

    Good Morning, Curly!

    I agree with Ruby, especially after reading what you wrote about his 'alternate' method of having sex. It will also be very difficult to fall pregnant that way, AHEM! cyclops But I suppose if he does bat for the other side, having children with her is something he really won't want, anyway.

    Slightly off-topic, but I can never quite understand how a woman can subject herself to doing that act - just to please and keep a man. I mean, you're hardly going to orgasm that way are you? Shocked I think it is the ultimate act of subservience when a woman does that - it's abuse.

    She needs to get shot of the shirtlifter........

    Strawbs
    avatar
    Turkishheartdrop

    Posts : 1065
    Points : 1157
    Reputation : 29
    Join date : 2011-06-06
    Age : 40
    Location : Huddersfield

    Re: Question for a friend: Turks and arranged marriage

    Post  Turkishheartdrop on Thu May 03, 2012 7:00 pm

    agree with the girls.......tell your mate to get rid.........
    avatar
    curlyboop

    Posts : 97
    Points : 117
    Reputation : 6
    Join date : 2011-10-29

    Re: Question for a friend: Turks and arranged marriage

    Post  curlyboop on Mon May 07, 2012 4:22 am

    Thanks so much, ladies! I think you might have tossed a life preserver to another lost soul.

    Yesterday I was working the Museum's gala and thinking about how happy I was with my life now (I was grinning like an idiot Im sure). A few months ago I never would have thought it possible. I thought I'd be sad forever. I almost think I'm ready to date again. Now, I can't promise you he's going to be a nice American guy BUT it will be someone who is decent, kind and caring.
    avatar
    Turkishheartdrop

    Posts : 1065
    Points : 1157
    Reputation : 29
    Join date : 2011-06-06
    Age : 40
    Location : Huddersfield

    Re: Question for a friend: Turks and arranged marriage

    Post  Turkishheartdrop on Tue May 08, 2012 6:28 pm

    good on ya Curly..........just what you need......your a survivor gal...........

    Admin
    Admin

    Posts : 1570
    Points : 2722
    Reputation : 695
    Join date : 2011-04-24

    Re: Question for a friend: Turks and arranged marriage

    Post  Admin on Wed May 09, 2012 6:11 pm

    curlyboop wrote:Thanks so much, ladies! I think you might have tossed a life preserver to another lost soul.

    Yesterday I was working the Museum's gala and thinking about how happy I was with my life now (I was grinning like an idiot Im sure). A few months ago I never would have thought it possible. I thought I'd be sad forever. I almost think I'm ready to date again. Now, I can't promise you he's going to be a nice American guy BUT it will be someone who is decent, kind and caring.


    Hi Curly,

    I'm glad to hear your friend has woken up - for want of a better term.

    So have you started dating again? I would if I were you!

    Another thing that's important is to try and keep light-hearted. Laugh. See the funny side of things and don't try to analyse everything (not suggesting you do - this is for anyone) Laughter is very attractive, and especially when you first enter a relationship there's nothing more important than having fun and happy times.

    You know how women find men - the ones who don't take themselves too seriously, the ones who are funny, witty and make you laugh - and laugh at themselves too - so attractive? We find them attractive and fun to be around. And men love women like that too. Well, most men do! Wink

    Strawbs
    avatar
    Turkishheartdrop

    Posts : 1065
    Points : 1157
    Reputation : 29
    Join date : 2011-06-06
    Age : 40
    Location : Huddersfield

    Re: Question for a friend: Turks and arranged marriage

    Post  Turkishheartdrop on Thu May 10, 2012 6:16 pm

    your right Strawbs.........men do like women who have a light heart and not all serious........I agree with that.......
    avatar
    ruby

    Posts : 1164
    Points : 1651
    Reputation : 98
    Join date : 2011-07-17
    Age : 103

    Re: Question for a friend: Turks and arranged marriage

    Post  ruby on Fri May 11, 2012 7:17 am

    Certainly agree with you there Strawbs, I have a job fighting off my men Shocked

    My motto is, and always will be 'treat em mean and keep em keen' cheers and its even better when they are loaded as in the minted type of guy. I could never put up with a tight arsed bloke, the type who peeks into their purse to look for odd change to give for a tip. How fecking embarrasing Embarassed

    Curly, update us we want to know all the details, spill the beans girl Razz

    Ruby

    Admin
    Admin

    Posts : 1570
    Points : 2722
    Reputation : 695
    Join date : 2011-04-24

    Re: Question for a friend: Turks and arranged marriage

    Post  Admin on Fri May 11, 2012 8:59 am

    Yep! Couldn't agree more, Ruby! Treat them mean and keep them keen (works for some of the Turks doesn't it?!)

    Also agree about a man that's minted. POWER is one heck of an aphrodisiac! Just imagine a really loaded man (say, worth about £10M minimum) with a £3M plus mansion - houses scattered around the place - holiday homes - a nice, say, Bentley - and who's sexy and good looking too!

    I could understand a woman going weak at the knees over someone like that!

    A man should most certainly treat his woman like a princess, and when a man truly loves you (or even just desires you) he will go all out to treat you like his treasure. Oooooh........

    Strawbs
    avatar
    Turkishheartdrop

    Posts : 1065
    Points : 1157
    Reputation : 29
    Join date : 2011-06-06
    Age : 40
    Location : Huddersfield

    Re: Question for a friend: Turks and arranged marriage

    Post  Turkishheartdrop on Fri May 11, 2012 6:06 pm

    nowt worse than a penny pincher.....my nan always use to say......tight man mean heart......lot of truth in that.................

    tansyblossom

    Posts : 2
    Points : 2
    Reputation : 0
    Join date : 2012-08-02
    Age : 64
    Location : uk

    Re: Question for a friend: Turks and arranged marriage

    Post  tansyblossom on Sun Aug 05, 2012 5:49 pm

    [quote="ruby"]Oh and I forgot to mention that my wealthy friend Mehmet told me about some of the loverats he knows.

    The first was an associate of his who planned to divorce his Turkish wife, marry a UK woman, get his ILR, divorce her and remarry his Turkish wife and bring her over to the UK - simples, and believe it or not, this rat's plans are well under way.

    The second revalation Mehmet told me about was a 'friend' of his who married a disabled woman from Ireland in order to get out of Turkey. I asked Mehmet if his friend 'loved' the woman, Mehmet told me 'of course not' and laughed. It was just a way out and as soon as he got his freedom he was off like a shot.

    Your friend's rat has/had an agenda which is fading like a sun tan.

    Embarassed affraid

    Much to my embarrassment Ruby,the exactly same scenario happened to me. .My heart turned over then.I am the silly so and so who believed everything he said.He was illegal,I sold up and we married.ILR on its way and then he cheated.So I divorced him and now he has remarried the Turkish wife and bringing her over.........Absolute classic..lol done like a kipper.

    Admin
    Admin

    Posts : 1570
    Points : 2722
    Reputation : 695
    Join date : 2011-04-24

    Re: Question for a friend: Turks and arranged marriage

    Post  Admin on Tue Aug 28, 2012 6:12 pm

    Hi Tansyblossom

    I haven't been here for ages - so do excuse the late reply! Firstly, I'd like to say Welcome, and to offer my sympathies for your plight. Can I ask you.........did you not have even an inkling that your ex was insincere?? Were there no warning signals, alarm bells???

    He must have been extremely clever if he managed to fool you so well - and for so long.

    I've read stories such as yours many times over the years, and I even personally know of women who have been strung along in the way you described....when I have spoken to them after the fallout they have always, always mentioned the warning signs that they saw - and chose to ignore.

    What made you sell up? Did he take money from you, too? pale

    Strawbs
    avatar
    Turkishheartdrop

    Posts : 1065
    Points : 1157
    Reputation : 29
    Join date : 2011-06-06
    Age : 40
    Location : Huddersfield

    Re: Question for a friend: Turks and arranged marriage

    Post  Turkishheartdrop on Fri Sep 07, 2012 7:17 pm

    I would like to know as well....Tansyblossom please answer.......

    Sponsored content

    Re: Question for a friend: Turks and arranged marriage

    Post  Sponsored content


      Current date/time is Sun Jul 23, 2017 1:55 pm