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    very worried

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    sandra

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    very worried

    Post  sandra on Fri Jun 17, 2011 8:13 pm

    Hello, i am a new member here.
    I applied to join as i read the unfit mother postings and i have some concerns regarding my own daughter.

    I have never thought of my own daughter to be an unfit mother but recently her actions have caused me so much worry and concern.
    We went on holiday together last year with my grandaughter also to an area called Marmaris. We had a great time, weather was very good and we met up with some other Scottish and English holiday makers that we had a few nights out with. All in all it was great, and my grandaughter enjoyed her time as it was the first time she had went abroad and on an aeroplane.
    However my daugher happened to get friendly with one of the staff at the hotel we stayed at which at the time I thought nothing of as I could see it lifted her confidence. You see my daughter has been on her own since just after her daughter was born.
    They spent a few nights out together after he finished work while I went to the hotel with Molly.
    When it came time to go home as you can imagine my daughter was on a bit of a low.
    Well to try and keep this short, after a few weeks of being in contact she hit me with a bombshell....
    She was leaving to go be with him!! Taking her daughter with her and selling her belongings.
    I tried to reason with her, asking did she understand what she could be getting her and her daughter into but she was sure as sure could be this is what she wanted. I thought she was crazy.
    She kept telling me that she loved him, he loved her and that he would take care of her. She had no savings and not the best paid job, ( customer care in asda) Well she did hand her notice in and packed up what she needed and sold the rest of her furniture..
    I was devistated and still am.. She went out there in November last year and is still there. She seems happy enough and says that he is taking good care of them. I have not yet been out to see her but plan to go soon. We talk a few times a week on the phone but i miss her and worry about her dreadfully. She has met his family and seems to get on well with them from what she says but I am still very worried.
    Maybe it is just because I am her mother i am worried but i do not think this is acceptable behaviour when you do not really know someone. I mean there are some very dangerous peole in the world and when you have only spent less than 2 weeks getting to know each other. I just dont find this behaviour acceptable especially when there is a child.
    I was distraught and also in panic. Yes I understand not all men are the same but I have read lots about stories where men over power the women.
    I love my daugher so much but just wished she had taken it more slowly.

    I appologise for this long story but just wanted to talk about it as my friends are not that helpful. With me being form the older generation we have very differnt ideas on what is and is not acceptable.

    thank you

    Sandra
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    Evkadini

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    Re: very worried

    Post  Evkadini on Fri Jun 17, 2011 10:25 pm

    Not really sure I can help you or put your mind at ease. You say you speak to your daughter several times a week, so that's good. Maybe you need to go out and see for yourself how things are, as this is probably the only way that you will settle your mind. At the moment there are some very good deals for flights and hotels. How old is your grandaughter? Is she at school there?

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    sandra

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    Re: very worried

    Post  sandra on Fri Jun 17, 2011 11:53 pm

    thank you for your reply.

    No she is not at school she is only 4.
    Im not sure how it works over there with school etc.
    She has said that molly has made some friend where they live and is learnig some basic words but children just seem to get on with it dont they.

    Well its not that eay for me to just up and go as i have other priorities here. Im getting on a bit too..lol

    Does anyone have any information on schools over there, would be grateful for anything. I have tried to google schools in marmaris but to be honest im no further forward.

    thank you

    sandra


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    Re: very worried

    Post  Admin on Sat Jun 18, 2011 12:10 am

    Hi Sandra,

    I haven't got time to reply to you in full right now, but in the meantime can you tell us how old your daughter is, and how old her boyfriend is? What sort of work does he do?

    Also, how was your daughter able to take your granddaughter to live in Turkey without her daughter's father's permission?

    Sorry I can't help you more right now, but I'll get back to you later.

    Strawbs
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    sandra

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    Re: very worried

    Post  sandra on Sat Jun 18, 2011 12:43 am

    Hello Strawbs,

    thankyou too for your reply.
    My daughter is 31 and her boyfriend is 30.
    He runs a family business, they sell property.

    My daughters ex wanted nothing to do with his daughter which is extremely sad, but he made it clear. That is why she did not need permission.
    Her popsi has been the father figure in her life though.

    I would still be just as worried if she was in the same situation in this country but i think because she is so far from us we worry more.

    I know deep down she does not wish any harm on her daughter but i just felt that she was being selfish and should have thought a lot more about what she was doing without rushing.


    thank you
    Sandra

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    Re: very worried

    Post  Admin on Sat Jun 18, 2011 5:24 pm

    Hi Sandra,

    I think you have every right to be concerned about your daughter's actions, especially as she has taken her young child to go and live in a foreign country - on what seems to be very much a whim.

    You said a couple of things which puzzled me, and I'm wondering if either your daughter or her boyfriend is telling lies. You said he was a member of staff in the hotel where you stayed, but you then said he runs his family business selling property? Do you think he's lied to her about his job? He certainly wouldn't have been working long hours in a hotel if he was running a family business. So immediately, something doesn't add up there does it?

    I am sure you must have heard how some Turkish men spin yarns and tell every woman they meet that they love them almost as soon as they've met - usually because they want to gain out of those women - whether it be money, gifts or a visa to the UK. It sounds strange that this man (after just two weeks of snatched meetings and subsequent texting and chats on MSN etc) would want your daughter to move out there to live with him - and to bring her daughter along too. It's a huge responsibility taking on and supporting a ready-made family - and I'm surprised this man is able and prepared to do it. It sounds like your daughter has little money to support herself and her daughter for any given length of time, so they must both be totally reliant on this man! As you probably know, your daughter cannot work in Turkey (work permits are notoriously hard to get) which means her boyfriend must be supporting them, and even if it were true that he runs a business selling property (which doesn't add up given he was a member of staff at a hotel in Marmaris - working long hours for little money) the Turkish property market is as flat as a pancake - so it's unlikely he's making much money from that, either - if any! A lot of property businesses in Turkey are running at a LOSS - did you know that? So whatever job he's doing - I'm wondering how he's managing to support the three of them and give them all a decent lifestyle?

    Do you think it was your daughter who was the one more eager to return to Turkey? You say it was her first trip abroad, so it's quite likely that she was overwhelmed by it all and became seduced by the holiday atmosphere, sunshine and different way of life. Depending on her circumstances in the UK, and where she lived etc - for someone whose never been abroad before, Turkey could seem like heaven on your first ever holiday. So when this man came onto her it could have skewed her judgement totally, and she wasn't thinking rationally about the consequences of moving out there. Holidaying in Turkey and living out there are two very different things, and even if you have lots of money, it can still be difficult to adjust to the different lifestyle - not to mention the shocking boredom of having nothing to do in the winter months. Even in the summer months it can become boring - there's only so many times you can go down to the beach without becoming bored witless.

    It seems that your daughter is very impulsive and has not thought any of the logistics through. She barely knew this man before she went back there with your granddaughter, and she's obviously given no thought to all the things one needs to do when relocating. There's residency permits she has to obtain, and I think I'm right in believing that she needs some official paperwork to prove to the school that her daughter is allowed to stay out there and take state education - and from what I've heard that's not as straighforward as it seems. On top of that, the state education in Turkey is way below that of England - so already your granddaughter - besides having an unloving father who isn't interested in her - will have the added disadvantage of a poor education to boot! Your daughter hasn't considered any of these factors. You then have things like healthcare, insurances and so on - not forgetting that her daughter has 'vanished' off the radar as far as the British authorities are concerned. I know you say your granddaughter's father didn't bother with his daughter, but I'm sure there has to be some kind of paperwork which states your granddaughter has no restrictions on leaving the country to go and live with her mother in Turkey. I'm sure that's a requirement, both at the British end and the Turkish end. Doesn't a British court have to approve it when just one parent takes the child out the country to live abroad? She is a minor, after all, and your daughter has gone to live with a near stranger - with little money : I'm sure Social Services would want to investigate that.

    You also have the problem of what will happen to them if her relationship with this man comes to an end. She should by rights ask you to help her return to the UK - although she'll have to start all over again finding housing and a school etc - but supposing she's too proud to tell you this man was a rat? Do you think she would admit that to you? Or maybe she'd want to stay in Turkey, regardless, and would find a job working illegally until she's picked up and deported. They've really stepped up on rounding up the illegal workers in Turkey, so that would be a very foolish option for your daughter if her relationship were to come to an end - and the majority of relationships do flop.

    It's very sad that your granddaughter's father wanted nothing to do with her, and maybe that's another reason your daughter jumped at this chance of what she perceived to be the answer to some of her problems. It's also very sad that she didn't take into account how distressed both you and her father would be that she was going off to Turkey to live with your granddaughter, and how much you would all miss each other. It must be especially hard for your husband and granddaughter who had, what appears to be, a father-daughter relationship. He must be pining for her like anything, and your poor little granddaughter must be missing him terribly. Not forgetting your own anguish, of course. And if all that weren't bad enough, it's quite posible your daughter is walking around like a lovesick lovebird, and has possibly not even noticed if her daughter is showing any signs of distress. She hasn't even bothered to find out about schools in Marmaris (even though she lives there!) YOU'RE having to do it!! If I was in your shoes I would be FUMING!

    Have you asked your daughter how she's providing a stable, warm, loving and secure homelife for her daughter? What sort of routine do they have? As you know, children need routine in their lives - from bedtimes to mealtimes to playtime to schooling to bathtime to hobbies - you know what I mean. What sort of routine has your daughter established for her daughter out there? You need to devote most of your time to establishing a routine to a 4-year-old, and I'm wondering how your daughter's managing to provide all that when she must be all loved-up with this Turkish man?

    Do you know what possessed her to act so irrationally and run off out there to live? She couldn't have loved this man - that's impossible. Maybe she's escaping from her life over here? A lot of women do that. If they have an unsatisfactory life in the UK they believe - like magic - all their problems will be solved if they move to Turkey. But what they tend to forget is that they take their problems with them - because their main problem is with themselves!

    I think you have every right to be worried about her - and I'd also be furious with her, too. She's a grown woman - with a young child - behaving like a 13-year-old! Have you not thought of contacting Social Services? Don't forget, too - there's lies floating around already about this Turkish man's job. If someone's told ONE lie - you can guarantee they've told others!

    Strawbs
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    Turkishheartdrop

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    Re: very worried

    Post  Turkishheartdrop on Sat Jun 18, 2011 7:43 pm

    The number of times I've heard men say they run the family business!! Hahahahahaha! What's he workin in a hotel for then? Tripped up there............ What a Face

    xx
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    Michelle78

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    Re: very worried

    Post  Michelle78 on Sun Jun 19, 2011 5:35 am

    Load of twaddle. Suspect

    Miche
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    sandra

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    Re: very worried

    Post  sandra on Sun Jun 19, 2011 5:49 am

    hello,
    thank you for your reply.

    I dont mean to have painted a bad picture as my daughter is a fantastic mother and adores her daughter.
    It was the wee one that had never been abroad before not my daughter although it wa first time we went to Marmaris.
    Her boyfriend did work in a hotel as i ;met him too.
    It s my daughter that has told me where he is working so i do believe her, why would she need to lie about?
    I would never call social services on my own daughter just because she has moved over there, however if my grandaugher was in danger then i would take action.
    The school enquirey was just my curiosity. I am possibly worrying too far ahead.
    She is my daughter and i love her dearly but like you said i am also very angry at the rashness of her actions.
    The father of the child has never had anything to do with her, he wanted my daughter to have a termination but she would never dream of that,they were together for many years too and it just turned out that this tore them apart.

    I no not all foreign men are bad as you get more than your share in the uk but i still worry.

    thank you for your reply but i fel more woried about other things now.
    i thought that at this stage of my life my worries woud be about knitting sor something, did not expect anything like this.

    thank you
    Sandra

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    Re: very worried

    Post  Admin on Sun Jun 19, 2011 6:02 pm

    Hi Sandra.

    I'm confused when you say your daughter is a fantastic mother - earlier you said she was selfish. And given that she's taken your 4-year-old granddaughter to live in a strange country with a man she bareley knows; with little money behind her to support herself and daughter ; and no idea of how she's going to get her daughter educated out there - not forgetting depriving her daughter of the love and security she had from her grandfather (the one stable male influence in her young life) including your love, too - I don't see how you can describe your daughter as a 'fantastic mother'. You've even posted your worries up on here about the whole situation - if you were so sure she was a fantastic mother you wouldn't be worried would you? It would be different had your daughter taken your granddaughter on a long holiday out there with her - nothing wrong in that at all! But she's taken her out there FOR GOOD - and with no idea of how she's going to survive! If Mr Charming legs it (which is more than likely) how is she going to feed her daughter? She can't work! And EVEN if she could work - who's going to look after her daughter?! This isn't just a long summer holiday abroad (which would be lovely for any 4-year-old) this is a complete and utter reckless MOVE to a foreign country, with no forward planning, and just a few peanuts in her purse!

    I don't think your daughter's behaviour is at all responsible - she sounds incredibly immature, impulsive, and seems to have no foresight. She's gone to live with a STRANGER - and taken her 4-year-old daughter with her too - so I certainly wouldn't call her a fantastic mother. And if she adores her daughter, she would put her welfare before some holiday fling. She's torn her daughter away from all the security she knows.

    I see now that I misread your post when I thought you said it was your daughter's first trip abroad - but this just confirms to me that your daughter's head has probably been turned by what she perceives to be an exotic stranger who is more than likely promising her the world. These type of Turks always spot a vulnerable woman and home in on them as soon as the bus pulls into Marmaris, and as I said before - your daughter must have been unhappy with her life at home, which is why it was so easy for a Turk to entice her. NO-ONE gives up a happy home and good lifestyle in the UK on account of a 3-day fling with some Turk they've met in Marmaris.

    As for why your daughter would lie to you about this man's job - I have no idea. I don't know your daughter - you should know the answer to that. But there's a lie going on isn't there? You yourself have said TWICE that this man worked in a hotel, but you then said he worked 'for the family business' as an estate agent. So which one is it? Someone is lying aren't they? It's possible your daughter's lying so as not to worry you about her financial position, or maybe she's too proud to admit they have money problems. Or it could be that she's not the one lying - it's him that's lying to her. You said yourself that he worked in the hotel as a member of staff doing long hours - you actually SAW him working there - so ask yourself why he would be doing that if his family had their own family business and he was working for them! That does not add up! So someone is lying. Besides, whatever work he's doing, he wouldn't have been doing much in the winter - so how did they survive? Was it on her money - the money she got from selling all her possessions?

    As for Social Services - there's probably little they could do while your daughter is in Turkey - and maybe it's not really their buisness if your daughter decided to take her daughter out to Turkey to live. But her irresponsible and impulsive actions should be investigated in my opinion. She's behaved irrationally, and for that reason alone your granddaughter could be in danger. Don't you think your daughter's behaved irrationally? And with you being in the UK how would you know whether your granddaughter is in danger or not?

    I still don't see why you enquired about the schools in Marmaris - I'm sure any they have on the WWW are all in Turkish anyway - and it should be your daughter who ought to be planning ahead for her daughter's schooling - not you. And it's not actually that far ahead either - your granddaughter should be starting school in about 10 weeks? No?

    I can understand you wanting to offload your worries somewhere - that's natural. But I can't understand why you can't discuss your worries with your daughter and get satisfactory answers and reassurance from her. There's obviously concerns you have about your daughter that's prompting you to write on here. In your first post you expressed real concern, but in your second post you seemed to be backpeddling and implying you're not worried about your daughter's mothering skills. Perhaps you're feeling confused by it all.

    Do you mind me asking if you are elderly? When you mentioned that at your stage of life you imagined you would now be knitting - I envisaged someone in their late 70's or 80's! Although, there are a new breed of Silver Surfers in their 70's these days - so I think knitting is going to become a thing of the past lol Though having said that, Julia Roberts is a knitting addict - and has been since she was 30. Maybe she uses it as a stress release - so it might actually help you if you were to take it up while you're worrying? If you are elderly (it's possible you had your daughter late in life, say, early 40's) then this situation will be harder for you and your husband, and that must be shocking for the pair of you. But it may be that you're only in your late 40's yourself (you may have been a young mum) so that would go in your favour with regards to all that travelling to and fro to see your daughter and granddaughter - all the upheavel can be very tiring and exhausting for an elderly person.

    I do feel very sorry for your situation - it must be awful for you.

    By the way, where does this man live in Marmaris?

    Strawbs
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    Ladybird

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    Re: very worried

    Post  Ladybird on Fri Aug 12, 2011 3:34 am

    Sandra can you tell us what the outcome was only I met a lady last week who told me a story like yours and just thought if it could be you and your daugher. I wont say much now but the story was the same as yours.

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    Re: very worried

    Post  Admin on Sat Aug 13, 2011 9:01 pm

    I'm curious too as to how it all turned out.......

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    Turkishheartdrop

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    Re: very worried

    Post  Turkishheartdrop on Tue Aug 16, 2011 10:30 pm

    Yeh I like to know how a fairytale ends lol!

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