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    How do you cope being single and unattached?

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    Richard

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    How do you cope being single and unattached?

    Post  Richard on Sun Sep 04, 2011 9:26 pm

    Hey guys, I haven't participated much on this site but I'm an avid reader and follow your posts, though I don't reply to many of the topics as I'm unaware of the background. I'd love to chat about other things though, that's what I'm here for and why I joined!

    So with a deep breath I've decided to take the bull by the horns and start a new topic!

    I'm separated from my ex and am enjoying my freedom, well sometimes I do. How do you guys cope who are single? Do you have any strategies to keep you from feeling lonely for not being half of a couple? Sorry already if that's come out wrong, but I'm interested in how you cope being alone. It can get lonely can't it?

    Well guys, I look forward to your responses.

    Richard

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    Admin

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    Re: How do you cope being single and unattached?

    Post  Admin on Mon Sep 05, 2011 7:23 pm

    Hi Richard,

    I think most of the people on this forum are actually married or in long-term relationships, though I'm sure there may be a couple of members who are single.

    As for coping with being single, it sounds to me that you find it difficult? I hope you don't mind me saying this, but I have noticed that men find being single much more difficult than women do. If you notice, widowers' nearly always remarry within about a year of their spouse dying, whereas a widow can remain single for years and years. I think men are more needy in some ways.

    I'm not suggesting that you're needy, I'm just generalising.

    Since I started dating boys when I was a teenager I've never really been out of a relationship or single for long. The only times I was single was when I separated from my ex-husband, and for about 6 months I led a single lifestyle, I suppose. I actually had a FANTASTIC time (one of the best years of my life!) and went out on lots of dates etc - I just had a really good time and never felt lonely at all. But my social life was really busy and full, so I'm not sure how I would have felt had it been otherwise. I did meet someone quite quickly, and had a 4-year relationship with them, but that ended in tragic circumstances when he got killed.

    For the first year after that I was just a wreck, so can't give a fair assessment of that time, but for about two years after that first year I slowly adjusted and came to terms with my new life as it was, and gradually started socialising again. But I had no interest in dating at all, so all my socialising was done with my female friends and family, and my platonic male friends. We would go to lunch, dinner, parties, the theatre, shopping, riverside pubs etc and even when I was the only single person there I didn't feel lonely as such. More sad, I think.

    When you say you get lonely do you mean you get lonely when you're by yourself, or when you're with friends? I know people can feel lonely even when they're surrounded by their friends, but I suspect that's probably due to a touch of depression. I don't know anything about you, your situation, or where you live, but it is important to get out and do things if you feel lonely. Even going for a long walk can be good for you. My daughter pushed me into getting another dog when I was still quite bad, though I really didn't want one, but on reflection I know that helped, as it forced me to go out to the Common each morning and get some exercise. You also meet LOADS of other dog owners, and I made some really good friends through that. In fact one of them is now one of my closest friends. I also got chatted up (I swear some men buy dogs for that sole reason!lol) and was invited out on a couple of dates - which really surprised me - as I looked really, really scruffy in just jeans and a T-Shirt and my hair all messy - sometimes I'd have all mud and dirt on me from where Coco would jump up at me if it was wet - but maybe they were just strange men.

    But I definitely think animals are a great comfort - dogs and cats, especially. If you're not an animal lover, taking up a hobby where you meet other people is always good. There's hundreds of things you can do - nightschool, local clubs, the gym, galleries, walks..the list is endless. One thing is sure : you won't meet anyone if you're stuck at home on your computer. You'll only meet avatars.

    I've rambled abit, so have kind of lost my train of thought........

    What you're actually asking is how do you cope by being a single person? Well, it depends on what aspect of being single you find hard to deal with. Is it the companionship, affection, 'feeling of being one of a couple'? I must admit that it is nice to have someone there - especially if something goes wrong - or you need emotional support. Then again, living alone can make you very resourceful and independant - quite strong, actually. But what I have noticed is that single people who live alone for years can become very selfish; that may not apply to everyone - but I've noticed it in people. I have one friend and one aunt who have both lived alone for most of their lives, and although my aunt is the sweetest person in the world, she is quite selfish without realising it. I think that's because she's so used to doing things 'her way' and she's very set in her ways. She won't budge or make allowances. She likes to keep to a timetable. My friend whose lived alone for years is incredibly selfish, but she can't see it. I think that's because she's so used to doing what she wants and she forgets that not everyone wants to do the same as her. She's sort of like a 'ruler' and likes to be boss - probably because she's used to taking charge of everything being on her own.

    So staying single for too long - especially if you're feeling lonely - is probably not a good thing. But then again, you don't want to enter a relationship just for the sake of being part of a couple. That would be disastrous. A lot of women on these sites bob along in miserable marriages just to 'keep face' and try and prove everyone wrong, but the only person they're hurting is themselves. And the ONE thing in life you can never get back is TIME. So jumping into a relationship just for the sake of it is a really bad idea - that will just make things worse in the long-run. Your best bet is to extend your social life and get out and meet more people, and through that, you probably will meet someone you really like.

    Hope that's helped.

    Strawbs

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    Teenz

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    Re: How do you cope being single and unattached?

    Post  Teenz on Mon Sep 05, 2011 7:37 pm

    Hi Richard

    If you feel lonely why not try to find someone else?

    When i was Single i had a group of single pals and we went out on the pull every weekend and during the week id be having some nice dates with the guys id meet. I never felt lonely I just enjoyed myself.

    Just get a little makeover and get back in the saddle.

    If you are of the mindset that you don't really want to find another person Id suggest putting your energy into positive things that would benefit yourself.
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    Richard

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    Re: How do you cope being single and unattached?

    Post  Richard on Mon Sep 05, 2011 11:28 pm

    Hey, I wasn't expecting such fabulous responses from you two guys,thank you both!

    I don't know where to start here, you've given me so much to think about! Everything you've both said makes sense and I take my hat off to you both. I don't like to admit I'm lonely, at least not to my friends or guys I sometimes work with, and with facebook I felt even more lonely reading how some of my schoolmates had got on with their lives, settled down with families and living the dream. A little more about me - I was a carefree playboy in my younger days and that could be how I lost my way. I met and fell for a beautiful woman when I was 43 (old I know) and she was was my dream woman. Seems I left it all too late, I still couldn't commit so she left me. No warnings, she just left and went.

    I am over her now, she got married in April to a Turkish fella and she has moved on. Good luck to her I wish her well, but it pings every now and then when I'm alone and think of what could have been had I not been so marriage shy.

    So here I am all on my own wondering what to do with myself? Could be I'm attracted to this site because of the love I had for my ex and my love for Turkey. I will go back. She may not be there but Turkey is still there.

    I'm going to digest the advice you gave me some more and have a deep think about it all.

    Thank you for such lovely warm responses and suggestions!

    Richard

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